


saint in the city

by comeapart



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-02-15
Packaged: 2018-09-20 02:27:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 26,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9471359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeapart/pseuds/comeapart
Summary: hospital au set in queens nyc. angsty + sad until it's not anymore





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> my youth is yours / runaway now and forevermore

Alaska was a kind, good person. She was the kind of person with a moral compass, and although she didn’t always have the best approach, she at least tried. She woke up for work an hour and a half early each day, painted her face to the best of her ability at as early as 5am every morning, and was out of the door nearly an hour before she was supposed to be at work. The hour was divided into three parts, with each third being respectively as long and as boring as the next. There was the ten minute walk to the car-park, the twenty minute drive into the hospital, and the twenty minute wait at Starbucks to collect coffee for herself and Courtney. She walked into the building exactly on time every day. Michelle didn’t even look up when she waved her hand ever so slightly and called out her morning “Hey, Lasky.” It should’ve been different, and it would’ve been had it been a year back, but checking their passcards was wasted time on the full time staff. Even Bianca had agreed.

She never used to agree with routine. In fact, she used to hate it, with Courtney being the more controlled of the two before. The notion was almost hilarious now, with Courtney being the late one. Courtney had managed to anchor down a girlfriend, though, and Alaska tried not to be jealous. She had other things. Working in a hospital had forced her into routine, and now the idea of going without it made her anxious, with or without a girlfriend to complicate the difficult life she lived. She was busy all day, from the moment she would arrive to the minute she was about to leave at night, and routine meant less chance to slack off and have to fill in her paperwork at home. It was easier to have her free days as actual free days, rather than as days with unpaid work worrying about a patient’s test results or trying to read another doctor’s writing. 

Her days were filled with patients and learning exactly why they were in the orthopedic department, the paperwork explaining that, stalking Willam and Courtney around the hospital for their daily five minute chats outside of the apartment, making small talk with Trixie in an attempt to get more information out of her for her own personal gain, and watching Dr. Zamo. The problem with having a demanding job is that it left very little time for slacking off, and this meant that the last three normally had to be combined.

“So,” Courtney started, picking at the nearly-empty container with the plastic fork she had taken from the canteen on her way back, “Why are we eating lunch here?”

“I like the atmosphere,” Alaska hummed, dragging the words out as she took a sip from her coffee. Across the hallway, Dr. Zamo was with a patient, explaining something that neither of them could hear as she closed the door behind a woman following her in. “She can’t examine with the door open? Really?”

“I know. It’s absolutely shocking how unwilling she is to infringe ethics.” Courtney rolled her eyes, dumping the empty container into the trash before looking up at Alaska, her brows raising ever so slightly. “Come on. Before our break’s over. I want to see Trix.” 

“She hates talking to old ladies. They give her shit about her accent. C’mon, two more minutes. If she’s not out by then, I’ll go with you.” Alaska mumbled, trying not to sound like it actually mattered to her or anything. After years of teaching Courtney the art of Zamo-watching, she should’ve known better. 

“Alaska. Now.” Courtney said, the threat of an accent peaking through and the greater threat of a swear. In general, it was taboo to swear where a patient could hear, but Courtney had been known to drop the c-word on occasion when Willam was fucking around with sterile supplies or when Alaska was being a bitch. It was kind of cute to see her swear, almost like a little kid, or a small bird, but the amount of trouble they got into for it wasn’t worth it. Alaska sighed, picking at the label on her drink before starting to follow after Courtney, glancing back as they were about to leave the hallway. She still hadn’t appeared. 

Courtney noticed almost immediately, nudging her with her shoulder as she walked as a warning. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. You’ll see her later.” 

“Don’t call me sweetheart. What are you, my mom?” Alaska rolled her eyes. 

*

It wasn’t like a huge ordeal or anything. Alaska had been fully aware of what she was doing, and she wasn’t “pining.” At least, that was what she told Courtney and Willam, even if she sort of was pining in a completely calm and acceptable way. It barely even impacted her life anymore, apart from deciding where she would situate herself during breaks and at lunch. Ever since she had started to work in the orthopedics department in Queens Hospital Centre in NY four years back, she had been introduced to Dr Ekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, or Katya “if it was important,” and the rest had been history.

Since then, a lot had actually happened. Alaska had become a clinical nurse specialist and while she was consistently busy, she had fun with her work for the most part. She had almost managed to fix things with her parents, to the point that when Alaska brought back a now-ex girlfriend one time they had actually been vaguely polite. Amongst other things, she had managed to break up with Sharon, to which both Courtney and Willam had agreed was for the best after discovering her drunk and covered in bruises one particularly bad New Year's Eve. She had good friends, and although the remnants of abuse clung to her, she was mostly okay. She coped. She was happy to be single. Katya, on the other hand, dated a stream of pretty blonde nurses who were all shorter or smaller than Alaska could ever dream of and lean men who she sometimes saw out in the car park on her way home. Courtney and Willam had decided that Katya’s best friend, who was an anesthesiologist, was actually really nice and that Katya should share her, which resulted in her having to spend time with them as a group every so often. 

From all of that, Alaska had never really gotten around to getting over her crush on Katya. It wasn’t as if she had any love affairs waiting for her after the problems she’d had being with Sharon, and either way, Alaska thought that Katya was amazing without the reciprocated pining, in a hopeless never-gonna-happen type of way. It wasn’t even a problem, if Alaska was being real. She was more than happy to watch from afar, think about how Katya never wore nails and how she’d have her hair long on her lunch breaks, and how she’d go and smoke for nearly her entire break. She didn’t even mind that she knew it was never going to happen. 

It was almost painfully clear to everyone that Katya wasn’t interested in Alaska. Everyone knew, from Trixie who offered sympathy to Willam who had a far more free-love approach to the situation. Any attempt that Alaska had made over the four years of knowing her had been rejected, and Katya had appeared to regard her entirely with indifference and annoyance, treating her like a little sister rather than a possible partner. And that was okay, because Alaska had gotten over the initial hurt of that, too. She had slowly managed to stop herself from trying to spark up conversations with Katya around the hospital, and when they all went out together, she didn’t force Katya to actually talk to her. She was pretty sure that Katya must’ve known about the whole stupid ordeal, because everyone knew about it and nobody had secrets in a public hospital, but that didn’t give her a free pass to try and flirt. Especially because Katya had actively not cared for years, and had done her best to get Alaska off of her case without actually doing anything. This tied perfectly into her ability to plan, and to have routine. It was routine to be alone. It was routine to adore Katya. If anything, it made her life simpler, knowing that she would never have her. 

She was happy, as far as hospital work went. She had a good job, with added security, awesome friends that actually cared about her, and a comfortable life. Her choice in work was respectable enough for her parents to actually try and fix the bridges they burnt when she came out as gay and left years back for college, and it wasn’t like she was going to bring them any shockers back on her next visit home. She lived in New York City now. She wasn’t seeing them everyday of her life, she didn’t live in Pennsylvania anymore. If she was going to be hopelessly devoted to someone, she was pretty sure that Ekaterina Zamolodchikova was perfect. She wasn’t going to lie about that, either, as Willam loved to ask and Alaska loved to talk. It was one step up on repeating her thoughts of the day onto her Myspace profile, and she wasn’t 18 anymore. She couldn’t get away with her username being ‘thunderfuck5000’ forever. 

*

Alaska’s favourite was a guy in his early twenties who had arthritis. She had diagnosed it after he had been sent to her to be treated for Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and realised within five minutes that the reason the previous treatment hadn’t worked was because they were trying to treat the wrong thing. She was good at her job, and she wasn’t a clinical nurse specialist just because she tried. She saw him pretty regularly, and if he wasn’t in there once every two weeks, she’d probably try and ask him out. She really liked him. She actually really liked most of her regulars, and she wasn’t at all attached. 

He was back because he had a problem with his wrist. It hadn’t been seen since the last time she had gotten him a prescription for painkillers for his insurance to cover and injected corticosteroids into the swelling, and she had kind of missed him in a weird, lonely way. This time when she saw him, his wrist had changed.

“And it’s been like this for how long?” She asked, turning his hand ever so slightly with her own to look at the swelling. She knew what she had to do, but she wanted to check. There was nothing worse than accidental mistreatment. Especially when it was something as routine as arthritis in the orthopedics department.

“Six days. I originally wanted to come earlier, but I’ve had work all week. It looks nasty.” The man nodded, sitting up on the chair as he looked down at her hands. Her nails were getting long. Sometimes she would glue fakes on when she got home after a particularly long day, and sit up and watch reruns of old movies to drown out the sound of Willam and Courtney fucking in the other bedroom. 

“That’s okay. I’m glad you came now, rather than later. Otherwise this could have gotten worse.” She nodded, absently letting go of the man’s wrist before going back to her desk and typing the details up. This was nothing more than routine. She just had to inject more corticosteroids, write up a prescription, and make another appointment for him to check that they were working. 

The room was silent for a few moments, the sound of the keys clicking against her nails echoing before she turned to look at him, smiling as the printer started. “So, I’m going to poke some needles into that, and then we’re going to look at ways we can try and prevent it from getting worse. Does that sound okay?”

The man nodded, and Alaska disappeared to find what she needed. Her job was fine. She was lucky. 

*

Willam appeared almost immediately after Alaska had sent him off with his new prescription and a list of recommendations for the man’s wrist, handing her a slightly-too-full cup of coffee and working on her own. “You have to stop getting attached to your patients. Seriously, bitch, you’re killing me here.”

“Yeah, yeah. One day.” Alaska shrugged, waving her hand as she leaned in to sip at the cup before smiling. Willam always got the best of the shittiest coffee. Nobody could figure out which floor she actually got it from, but nobody was complaining. It wasn’t the cafeteria brand, and Alaska could’ve kissed her just because of that. 

“I’m serious. For real, actual serious. You remember last time, when Bun Bun had to get surgery for spinal stenosis? You looked worse than when you were convinced you were in that weird cult thing with Sharon, fuckin’ dead on your feet.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.” Alaska rolled her eyes, looking down at her nails again. They really were starting to get long.

“What was it called again? The haus of Haunt? And you got naked at that club and covered yourself in white body paint while the rest of us were sober? You looked fucking dead. We were all worried about you.” 

“You’re going to make me blush,” Alaska murmured, looking back up at her before smiling. “I’m sorry, but I just don’t think I could be part of your relationship with Courtney. I’m too old to have threesomes. Maybe some casual sex, but that’s the line.” 

“You’re fuckin’ twenty six. You are not too old for a threesome,” Willam frowned, looking genuinely hurt as she groaned before pushing the hair out of her face and looking back at Alaska. “So. What have you got for me?”

Alaska nodded, picking up the pile of files and charts she had shoved to the side for lack of better organisation and spreading them out on the desk before actually counting them for Willam. “Oh, we have like, uh… Six today? Hand, hand, wrist, spine, another hand, and a leg.” 

“That spine is for Katya,” Willam murmured, putting her now empty paper cup on the desk and replacing it with files, flipping through them. “I’ll take the hands and wrists. Katya can have that leg. Are you going to talk to her about it today?”

“Yeah, probably. She’s in her office, right?” Alaska nodded, pursing her lips, “Do you possibly want to do it for me?” 

“As much as I would love to go see my friend, Courtney has banned me from stopping you from seeing her. I’m not allowed to ruin any actual excuse you have to talk to her. But maybe I should do it, after last time. When you apparently managed to break half of her shit.” Willam rolled his eyes, letting Alaska pull the files back and take what she needed to give to Katya.

She pouted at Willam, making her eyes as wide as possible as she jutted her lip out. “Stop it. It was an accident. I even bought her a replacement keyboard.”

“I mean, if you were more careful, there wouldn’t have been a need for it to be replaced. Poor thing was waterboarded with your sugary-ass coffee,” Willam smiled, checking them over before walking back over to the door. “Go do it soon, though. You don’t wanna miss her. And Courtney is planning karaoke night, she wants you to come, because you live with us but also because you’re our friend, and she’s inviting Katya, Trixie and Pearl. So. Tuesday night, look nice, okay?” 

“I hate you guys. I always look stunning,” Alaska raised her brows, finishing off her coffee before looking at the now-black monitor display and her reflection. She looked nice. She needed more eyeliner before she could go and talk to Katya, sure, but she was fine. Nothing particularly ugly or noticeable.

“Yeah, yeah. Bun Bun is looking good though. She’s recovering well,” Willam nodded, pushing her hair back before letting it bounce back into place. “This time. Just be careful, okay?”

“I’m always careful. That’s the Alaskan mantra.”

“Mm,” Willam sighed, letting herself out and leaving Alaska alone for the first time that day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> don't stay, don't plan / don't heal, don't mend / don't take, don't send, don't love me / don't love, don't love me

If Alaska had to rank her ideas from the smartest to the stupidest, this was a solid eight. But realistically, changing her scrubs to reveal more cleavage wasn’t that bad. Changing her bra might’ve been, but she had small tits. She had to compensate. If she didn’t have long blonde hair and eyebrows arched to the heavens, people might’ve mistaken her for a boy. Not that there was anything wrong with that, but years of public school bullying and the unfortunate term long phase where she only wore fishing boots and boy clothes didn’t exactly give her confidence. 

She knocked twice. The fact that she had put thought into it was almost embarrassing, but she was always embarrassing. Having a crush just made it more obvious. She let herself in quietly, smiling and waving her hand as she looked over. Katya was sat alone behind her desk, a cling-film wrapped sandwich balanced carefully on a binder and a paper cup that was now empty balanced on the edge, with files lining the small space between her and her computer. Alaska probably stopped breathing for a second there.

“Yes?” Katya hummed, not even bothering to look up from the notes she was making. Even in the simplest of conversation, she had an accent. Alaska was a sucker for accents, and Russian was one of the prettiest languages she could imagine, if she was the kind of person with enough concentration to actually learn a language and not just get into it because it sounded hot in that one foreign porn Willam had sent her. Actually, the more she thought about it, the more she suspected Willam had seen Katya earlier. The cup matched the one Willam had brought her when she came to collect the theatre appointments, and it wasn’t from the same floor they were on either. 

“Hi, Katya.”

“Oh,” she said, head still tilted down to focus on her paperwork, “Hello.” She was still frowning slightly, a crease showing between her eyebrows, which Alaska very carefully chose to believe was a reaction to her work and not to her presence. She could’ve missed it at a different angle, with her fringe carefully covering it. 

“I have referrals for you,” Alaska said quietly, handing over the two files. “Spine and a leg. Willam said she wanted you to have it. The spine is Scout Jefferson. She’s a sixteen-year old girl with adolescent scoliosis, with a history of hand numbness, intermittent pyrexia and weight loss of ten pounds. The MRI revealed that her spine has been getting worse, over the span of two months it’s had an increased curve. I- well, my team and I - think that she’s a candidate for surgery.” 

“Sixteen… Are you sure?” Katya asked, opening the file up and deciding to completely ignore the other that she had left on the desk. Somehow, Alaska could imagine that Willam would end up with that case later. 

Alaska kept her smile, even though she knew that Katya was doubting her ability to judge. She liked Katya a lot, but she did wish that she hadn’t picked up the habit of implying that she rushed into things. She knew what she had to do. She wouldn’t have gotten her job on levels of incompetence. “I’m sure,” she nodded, watching as Katya put the file to the side and looked up at her properly for the first time all day.

“Okay. I’ll give her details to my secretary.” 

“Thank you,” Alaska said carefully, standing up. At the doorway she paused for a moment, biting her lip and taking another shot in the dark, “I don’t know if you want to, but on Friday, Willam and Courtney and I are going to see the Harry Potter movie, and if you wanted to, or if you like, uh, liked-”

“I don’t care about Harry Potter,” Katya said, looking back down at the files on her desk. Alaska hated how she was completely unreadable, and she wished that she could master that expression too. She was too expressive, and she cared too much. She could feel her face fall, and that made her even more self conscious. Ever since Sharon, she had cared a little too much about things that nobody else noticed. She was embarrassing.

“Okay,” she murmured, letting herself out of the room. “Bye, Katya.”

*

By Friday, Alaska realised with a sense of survival and pride in her around half past seven that she was nearly done. She was overworked, but the four days off to follow would give her a second to recover. It didn’t even matter that she was on call for two of the days, because the idea of her bed was more than enough to keep her going. She had to stop wearing heels to work, because it killed her back. She got the discharges complete, dropping them off at Bianca’s desk, and snuck out of the back before anyone could stop her and ask her to do something, secretly thankful that Bianca wasn’t hovering with a last minute admission to process. Alaska was barely awake enough to actually manage. The amount of hours she had clocked up over the week were more than enough to cover the desperate need for a shopping trip at somewhere fancy and expensive over the weekend, and she knew that she would be able to get Willam to come with. 

She checked her phone on her way out. It was 8:11, which felt early. She normally left around 9 or 10, sometimes later if needed. She wasn’t going to get in trouble for leaving, but she still managed to feel perpetual anxiety as she walked across the car park, scared that Bianca was going to track her down and tell her to come back. It wasn’t until she was halfway home until she actually let herself breathe, stretching out and turning the heat up in her shitty car. She wasn’t on call, and unless there was a genuine emergency, she was free until Wednesday eight AM. 

She decided against stopping on her way back to get fresh food, making a mental note to text Willam and Courtney and guilt one of them into getting the groceries. She would just stop at the gas station on her way home, buy a jumbo pack of Cheetos, and feel a ridiculous amount of self pity as she ate them all in her bed. At the checkout, she picked up a bottle of fancy wine that she couldn’t pronounce the name of and a pack of menthols. The thought of being able to sleep for a whole four days straight was amazing, even if she’d managed to get scheduled for the entire weekend next week. 

Once she was back, she dumped her stuff in her room and went to check the other rooms. Courtney and Willam were still at work, probably busy with work or finding somewhere to make out. She texted Willam with ‘guess where i am bitch’ in order to properly gloat. She put on Cyndi Lauper as loud as she could get away with at quarter to nine, stripping down to her underwear and deciding to shower. Willam wouldn’t be back until at least midnight, and Courtney was too nice to leave Willam alone at work, so she would pick up whatever hours she needed to stay with her. 

When Alaska had first moved out to New York, she had come out and gone to college, living in shitty half-student accommodation that had managed to stay with her the entire way through med school. Her next apartment hadn’t been much better, with thinner walls and cheaper rent, and the third had been shared with Sharon, which was a change that she had never really been able to get used to. She was earning more than enough to live alone, in a nice place as well, but after she had lived with Sharon, she wasn’t able to switch back to being alone. Especially after the situation that relationship had left her with, with Courtney forcing her into bed rest to heal her wounds. It only made sense that she moved in as a third wheel, and saved all of them a lot of money. The best part about the shared apartment was that she only knew what Willam and Courtney sounded like having sex, and none of her other neighbours. 

She changed into clean underwear once she was done in the shower, letting her hair fall to her back and not bothering to brush out the messy ringlets that were now showing through as she moved to the couch. She flicked through the endless channels that Willam paid for, settling on an episode of Scrubs. Courtney loved to poke fun at her for her choice in TV, because it was ridiculous that she worked full time at a hospital and then got home to watch shows about hospitals, but Alaska thought it was hilarious, and that JD was cute. She wanted Turk and JD to date, but she had seen it through hundreds of times, and knew that it wasn’t a realistic expectation. When people died, they played a sad song and then the credits rolled, and it was a nice change to hearing how things were going down in the hospital morgue from one of Courtney’s friends. Besides, Dr Cox was awesome, and no matter what Willam and Courtney said, she didn’t remind Alaska of anyone and they were dirty liars. 

She stayed up a lot later than she had actually planned to, considering she had been ready to crash at any given moment a few hours ago. It was nearly one am when the doorbell rang, and Alaska nearly dropped the half-empty packet of Cheetos down herself. Willam hadn’t given her the warning text, so it couldn’t have been her roommates, and besides, they both had keys. Sometimes Sharon would try to come over, but after the very loud fight she had had with Courtney, Alaska was pretty sure that it wasn’t her. The doorbell rang again, with more urgency, before someone was actually knocking on her door. 

She stood up, pulling on one of Willam’s hoodies and zipping it up to give herself some dignity before going to answer the door. She wished she had actually put on clothes after showering, but she liked to air dry. She was just going to send whoever it was away, anyway, unless it was someone who actually lived with her. She readjusted her bra a little, making sure the sheer fabric actually covered her up before leaning down and looking through the peephole. She nearly fell backwards trying to step back, shocked. Katya Zamolodchikova was outside of her door, her arms folded tightly over her chest and her nails tapping against her arm as she waited. 

Alaska sighed, realising that her look was probably the least subtle thing possible before opening the door. “Hieee,” she hummed, watching as Katya turned to look at her. Alaska looked her up and down twice before raising a brow, biting her lip. Katya looked as if she hadn’t slept in a week, with her hair sticking up in every direction possible, and her eyes dark and lined with heavy bags. “Shit, are you okay?” 

Katya nodded, clearly ignoring the actual question as she looked down at Alaska, trying not to stare at her impossibly long legs and the fact that she wasn’t wearing pants. The hoodie that she had put on barely covered the top of her thighs, and the panties that she was wearing barely managed to cover her dignity. Her parents would probably have killed her if they knew their perfect daughter had turned out like this. “Can I come in?” She asked, looking up at Alaska properly for the first time in what must’ve been years.

Alaska stepped aside, and Katya came in with the same jagged movements that showed in her look, her whole person lacking composure. It was like she wasn’t sure how to react to Alaska, like there was fear, or maybe regret. Alaska had never seen this side of Katya, with every single move she had ever seen calculated and cool and incredibly controlled. She looked down, and Katya’s hands were shaking, completely different to what she knew from the surgeon. 

“Girl… What happened?” Alaska asked quietly, shutting the door behind them and looking up at her. Katya turned around, but didn’t respond. Instead, she moved forward, taking her hips, pushing Alaska tight up against the door and kissed her.

Alaska tried not to overreact. She really did. Out of all the possible explanations she could’ve thought of for Katya appearing at her door, this wasn’t the one she expected. At this point, she had completely accepted that Katya wasn’t into her, and the fantasy of her actually realising that she was head over heels for Alaska was completely unrealistic. Katya’s mouth was hot and hard and desperate and demanding, and she closed her hands around Alaska’s hips and dug her nails in deep.

“Hey- hey,” Alaska breathed, pulling back and trying to look at her, breaking away for a moment, “What are you-”

“Don’t,” Katya said, her accent thick as she kissed her again, nipping at her bottom lip. “C’mon, you want this. Don’t you want this?” The last was more of an agreement, Alaska kissing back in response, because yes, yeah, she had definitely wanted this. She had wanted this for years, since she had first seen Katya, and she was helpless under her touch. Katya was rocking her hips up against Alaska, and Alaska was fully prepared to wake up at any given moment. This was the stuff her wet dreams were made of. Alaska let out a little noise, moving her hand up to cup Katya’s face and into her hair, and Katya made what could only be described as a growling sound from her throat, tightening her fingers in the soft fabric of Willam’s hoodie, moving to pull the zip down and helping her shrug it off without once breaking the kiss. 

“Where’s your bedroom?” Katya breathed, and Alaska had to stop herself from freaking out, because they were really actually definitely doing this, then. Alaska had sort of thought that if one day this ever happened, it would be after a stupid cheesy date with Katya where they talked shit on the food and tipped way too much, and it would actually be at Katya’s because Willam and Courtney lived with Alaska and that was too risky normally to bring back trade. But at the same time, she had been waiting and wanting for four years, and she didn’t really have any idea how that kind of relationship would’ve worked out considering. She pushed away from the wall, fumbling with the buttons on Katya’s work shirt and then at her pants, leading her through to her bedroom and suddenly hoping that she hadn’t left scrubs everywhere. She had a habit of trashing the place when she wasn’t expecting company.

She caught Alaska by surprise when she pushed her pants down, their mouths still caught together in a kiss, with Alaska’s arms pulled tightly around her neck, as close as she could get. It was another shock to step forward and realise that Katya had discarded her own underwear somewhere along the line, with nothing between them except Alaska’s stupid sheer bralette and a couple of ugly block bracelets that she had put on to fiddle with while she watched TV. 

In the bedroom, they stood and kissed for a while, Katya’s hands firm on Alaska’s hips and dragging her in as closely as she could. Then Katya pulled away ever so slightly, mumbling into Alaska’s mouth, “I want to fuck you,” her breath hot against Alaska’s mouth. Alaska turned her head slightly, soft moans already threatening their way out as she gasped, letting Katya suck hot kisses down the line of her throat, not hard enough. Katya was too gentle, treating her like a princess, and it wasn’t fair. 

“Alaska,” Katya mumbled, kissing her collarbone gently as she looked up, bringing Alaska back to the moment.

“Yeah, uh, yeah. Of course,” Alaska said, trying to regain some composure as she looked down, catching Katya’s smile and biting her lip. That must’ve been the first time she had actually seen any real emotion on her face, something real and something that wasn’t icy. And it was all for Alaska, at least for a night. 

* 

Alaska twisted and moved under Katya’s touch, pressing up against Katya’s fingers and ah, fuck, Katya was good at this. She was well practised, and it made Alaska remember that she was one of many. This was only special to her. Alaska wrapped one arm up around Katya’s back, pressing her hand against the skin between her shoulder blades, and lifted her head up again to look up at her with heavy lids, straining until Katya leaned down and kissed her again, leaning down against her and almost crushing her as she moved. 

“Hey, Katya-” Alaska breathed out, because Katya wouldn’t fucking stop, desperate and determined to find every corner of Alaska’s mouth with her own. “Katya, baby, are you al-”

“I’m fine,” Katya nearly hissed, moving back and readjusting her position before pulling Alaska in closer and starting to move her hand at the perfect angle with the same defined desperation, making Alaska moan out again and again beneath her. Alaska hadn’t realised, but Katya was getting herself off too, hand moving and synchronised with what she was doing to Alaska, and her breathing was starting to get ragged too. Before she could even offer to try and help, Katya’s hips were jerking forward and she slumped forward into Alaska’s shoulder, mumbling curse words in a language that Alaska couldn’t recognise against her skin. 

Alaska barely had time to feel disappointed, though, as Katya was moving down and kissing her in all the right places on her way, slicking her tongue over the wetness, and that was it, Alaska was long gone. She arched her back and let out a soft whine of something incoherent, which was comforting as she was pretty sure that anything she could have possibly said would not have been appropriate for first time sex, relaxing her whole body back into the mattress. Katya pulled away, clearly not too worried with the situation as she swallowed, looking up at Alaska and smiling again. She was going to have to remember that for when Katya inevitably started ignoring her again, treating her as she always had. 

Alaska reached out to try and pet the side of her face, but missed, instead clumsily patting at her neck and mumbling out a “Sorry,” before putting her hand back over her stomach carefully, suddenly aware of how naked she actually was. She hadn’t even taken her bra off, but it hid nothing, so it was almost like she wasn’t even wearing a bra. 

Katya shook her head. “It’s okay,” she said, moving up on the bed again and lying down next to Alaska. It felt like something out of a dream. Katya was lying in Alaska’s bed, stretched out and beautiful and everything she had ever imagined from the woman beside her. Alaska reached out absently, running her nail along the bumps in Katya’s spine without paying any attention, bringing out a slight shiver and the question, “Can I stay here tonight?”

“Um,” Alaska said, ever so slightly confused. Katya had never once implied that she would ever want to spend time with her outside of necessary bounds. “Of course.”

They both moved, levering themselves under the blankets and stretching as Alaska turned off the light. Katya laid on her stomach, face turned so that she wasn’t looking at Alaska, but she didn’t complain when Alaska moved and curled up against her side, nuzzling as closely as possible into her forearm. She hadn’t pegged Katya as the kind to pass out immediately after sex, but she didn’t really mind. She had Katya Zamolodchikova naked and asleep in her bed, with her body still mildly aroused and her mouth still pleasantly tingling. They could find time to talk in the morning. 

She was almost asleep too when her phone rang, inside her work trousers where she had left them across the room after getting home. For a moment, she didn’t move, before realising that something could’ve happened. The awful thing about working at a hospital was that human error was all too real, and that any patient she had could get seriously injured, could be taken in after an accident and end up in critical, or worse. She forced herself up out of the bed, leaving Katya asleep in her bed as she took the phone and walked into the bathroom, flipping the switch so that she could stare at herself in the mirror while she talked. 

The phone flashed up as Willam, and she blinked twice before actually registering it. Willam never called with hospital business, considering they lived together, but it was nearly two in the morning and Alaska couldn’t think of any other reason as to why she was calling. She picked up and answered, keeping her voice low and looking back out at the bed. Katya still hadn’t even so much as twitched. 

“Lasky, girl, have you seen Katya?” Willam asked, worry lacing her voice. Willam, who never spoke fast, was actually rushing her words. Alaska could feel her throat tighten.

“Um.” Alaska mumbled, looking at the bed again and pulling her arm over her body, trying to cover up. “Why?”

“The- Fuck, I’m definitely not supposed to tell you this, but who gives a shit? We live together, you’d find out somehow.” Willam started, and Alaska felt a little relief at the fact she still had some of her basic qualities to her. “The ER was short tonight, so they sent Katya down, and there was this girl with a case of swine flu. She was like, four years old, but her parents didn’t realise what had happened until it was late. The- Katya was there almost immediately, but the girl died.” 

Alaska could feel the room getting colder around her, and she suddenly felt ill. “Fuck.”

“Yeah,” Willam sighed. She sounded tired, and Alaska could imagine. She’d been sent to the ER before, and some of the things she had experienced had changed her as a person. She could almost see Willam, pushing the ridiculous bouncy hair back and pacing around the room. “I guess Katya isn’t used to seeing death outside of surgery, I, uh, I guess? She took off quickly. I’m worried she’s going to have done something stupid, Trixie can’t even get hold of her.” 

Too late, Alaska thought miserably, staring down at the sink. She wanted to wash her hands, or maybe drown herself. “I’m- I don’t, I’m sure she’s fine. She wouldn’t come to me anyway.” It wasn’t like she could admit this anyway, not for a few days. She would need a lot of wine and Courtney to talk her through what happened, and exactly why it wasn’t worth killing herself over. 

“Yeah, I know. We’re all just worried. Sorry, baby, go back to sleep. Me and Court probably won’t be home till early,” Willam sighed.

“Bye,” Alaska mumbled, standing motionlessly for a moment as she watched Katya move in her sleep, tossing her head restlessly for a moment. A moment earlier, and this would’ve been amazing. Everything would have been okay, and Katya wouldn’t have still been the ultimate problem area in the complex life of Alaska Thunder. 

After what felt like a lifetime, she crossed back into her bedroom and found new underwear, putting it on and wincing ever so slightly before she climbed back into the bed. Katya was stirring in her sleep, reaching around and mumbling things in hushed Russian. If nursing had taught Alaska anything, it was that warmth was good for shock, and she moved in close to her and let her adjust as she liked. She could deal with her own guilt later. For now, she had to think of Katya, and pretend that she had never gotten the call.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you got that look in your eyes, eyes / i can tell you had bad dreams last night

Alaska was expecting Katya to have left in the night. It was only a little shock to realise that she was still asleep beside her, and suddenly she felt a lot warmer than before. Almost like there was hope. She knew she was going to have to provide food, and she wasn’t entirely sure that Katya would like the vegan stuff that Courtney stuffed the fridge with for breakfast. She climbed out of the bed as carefully as she could, leaving a note on the pillow that read: Katya - gone to the store. Feel free to use shower etc. Alaska x

She thought about signing it with a heart, but she wasn’t sure if that would give the impression of coming on too strong, so she settled for an ‘x.’ She looked down at the note for a moment, unhappy with the jagged edges and spikes in her handwriting. Most doctors had great handwriting, wavy and feminine and pretty, but Alaska’s looked a little more like a failed rockstar’s than a nurse’s. There was a bakery a street down, and a Starbucks just a few buildings down. She actually ended up in more of Willam’s clothes, realising that both Courtney and Willam were fast asleep and unable to object, before going and collecting whatever she thought looked the nicest along with lattes, trying not to rush her way back to the apartment. It wasn’t worth spilling four dollar coffee on one of Willam’s ridiculously expensive shirts and having to replace it. 

She couldn’t have been any longer than fifteen minutes, but when she came through the door, Katya was standing in the kitchen, sipping at a glass of water. Her hair was wet, sticking to her face in a way that Alaska was pretty sure wasn’t comfortable, and she was fully dressed from head to toe. Alaska tried not to think about the fact that Katya was wearing her shirt, and that it was maybe a little too long at the sleeves under the work shirt. 

“Good morning,” Alaska smiled, looking down at Katya and glancing at the way she had turned Alaska’s sleeves into sweater paws. 

Katya looked up at Alaska, blank and unreadable. All of the lust and need and love that Alaska had seen the night before was gone, and it hurt. She glanced over Alaska once, focusing on the ill-fitting clothes and the fact they all came up short on Alaska’s ridiculously long frame. “Hello.”

“I brought breakfast,” Alaska offered, holding the bag from the bakery up and the two lattes. Katya took one of them from her, blinking as she sipped at it.

“I’m not hungry,” Katya said carefully, licking her lips as she leant back against the counter. “Thank you, though.”

“Do you want to carpool? I- uh, I don’t have work today, but I could switch out with Courtney, and I can drive you in. It doesn’t take me long to get ready,” Alaska blurted out, watching Katya and trying not to smile. She was sure that Katya could read her like a book, always too honest and too emotive, but it was worth a shot. Katya looked uncomfortable.

“I couldn’t ask you to give up your day off. I should probably head in, anyway. There’ve been cases of a virus. I think it might be worse than it looks,” Katya said.

“Alright,” Alaska mumbled, looking down at her latte as she put the bag down. Courtney and Willam could have it for all she cared. If she wasn’t sharing breakfast with Katya, she was going to go back to bed until Courtney got worried and forced her way into her room to watch Friends reruns with her. “I guess I’ll see you when I’m next in, then.”

“Yes,” Katya said, pausing ever so slightly. Alaska could tell that she wasn’t impressed with the idea of having to spend time with her, but she wasn’t going to say anything. She had made her bed, and she had to sleep in it. She let herself out a of the room, pausing at the doorway for a moment. “Thanks,” she muttered, almost awkwardly, and was gone before Alaska could even react to what had happened. She stood alone for a long time, pouring her latte down the sink and letting herself go back to bed.

*

Alaska was woken up again at eight, the sound of her phone loud from under her pillow. She groaned, picking it up and pressing it to her ear without even checking the number. “Hello?”

“You’re covering. No questions. Willam and Courtney are already here, they’ll bring you up to speed with what’s going on. I need you here by nine.” Bianca’s voice was harsh and loud, and Alaska wanted to cry again. She had already managed to cry herself to sleep, and she knew she looked shitty. This was the last thing she wanted on one of her much needed off days.

“I’m not on call,” Alaska mumbled, sitting up and pulling her knees to her chest. “I don’t know if it’s smart for me to come in today. This is my first set of days off in like two weeks.” 

“This is what you signed up for when you became a nurse. There’s a problem, and we need pretty much all the staff we can get. If you aren’t sick, you need to be in.” 

Alaska didn’t bother to fight, deciding that if she was going to go in, she was going to need all the time she could find to get ready. She hung up, finally accepting that Bianca was right. If something was going wrong, she had to be there to help. That was what her job was. She had to save lives.

*

Courtney was waiting for her in the foyer when Alaska finally arrived, half past nine and looking like she had managed to walk through hell with a full face of makeup. “Hey,” she started, rushing her words. “So, a kid died of the flu last night, and there’s been sixteen more cases brought in since then. Three of them are critical, and the rest of them are all going downhill. Antibiotics aren’t having much of an effect, and we think it’s a mutated gene. The diagnostician team are working on it, but until then, it’s all hands on deck. I was going to wake you up this morning but I wasn’t sure if they were going to call you in. I know Bianca didn’t want to, since you keep taking extra shifts.”

“Are they all in isolation?” Alaska asked, and Courtney just stared at her.

“We’re in a hospital. You- Of course they’re in isolation. What kind of question is that?” 

“Sorry,” Alaska breathed out, closing her eyes for a moment before looking back up at Courtney. “I don’t want common staff, except you and me, between them and the paediatrics, okay? I don’t really want common staff between them and orthopedics, but I know that’s probably just wishful thinking. Make sure they aren’t even on the same floor as the paediatrics. Let’s go get clean, I guess.”

“You’re late, you know?” Courtney asked, actually looking at Alaska for the first time today. “And you didn’t bring coffee for us.”

“I didn’t think I would be in on my first day off in the better part of a month,” Alaska mumbled, looking up at her and locking eyes. Courtney froze, taking Alaska’s forearm and pushing her into the nearest free elevator, closing the doors before anyone else could follow them up.

“Holy shit. You look fucking awful, Alaska. What happened? I- Did…?” Courtney frowned, starting to look over Alaska’s arms for bruising. She hated it, being treated like a useless kid. Sharon wasn’t around anymore. This stuff didn’t happen anymore. 

“Nothing happened,” Alaska said softly, shaking her head and focusing on the floor. It was too clean. It made her dizzy thinking about how much effort was put into keeping everything sterile. 

“Seriously, Alaska. You’ve been crying, haven’t you?”

“No, I haven’t!” Alaska frowned, tears threatening at her eyes again. She was too easy to read, too upset, too distressed. She wanted to be at home, where patients and coworkers wouldn’t be placing bets on whatever ridiculous reasons they could think of for her crying. “I slept with someone last night,” she admitted, looking down at the floor for any reason not to cry.

“With who?” Courtney raised a brow, watching Alaska carefully. 

“Katya.”

“Katya Zamolodchikova?” 

“How many fucking Katyas do we know?” Alaska scowled, looking up at Courtney as she felt tears come dangerously close to falling, immediately lifting her hand to try and cover it. She should’ve blanked the calls. She shouldn’t have come in at all. 

“But,” Courtney frowned, looking up at Alaska as the realisation of what happened started to set in. “Alaska… Katya was a mess. She was-”

“I know. I know, okay? Willam called me,” Alaska breathed, blinking back tears. “Just. Just not until after.”

“Alaska.” Courtney said.

“She left before me this morning. She said thanks, though. At least she was polite,” Alaska mumbled, looking straight ahead at her hands in the mirror. She should be at home, or anywhere that wasn’t the hospital. 

“Alaska,” Courtney repeated, waiting until Alaska actually looked over at her before hugging her tight, wrapping her arms around her before pulling away. “Baby, you can go home if you want to. I’ll cover for you,” She breathed, pulling away and leaving Alaska with the cold dead feeling inside of her again. The elevator doors opened and she stepped away, glancing at Courtney.

“I have work to do.”

*

The emergency meeting that morning was not particularly organised, which made everything feel worse, as Bianca Del Rio was a particularly organised Head of Medicine. Mostly, there was a lot of arguing about causes and symptoms and what the plan of action was, and Alaska forced herself into the corner and refused to attract attention. This was more defense against the fact that Katya was stood front and centre besides Bianca, looking focused and yet completely unreadable, and Trixie was staring. 

There really wasn’t a lot that Alaska could do, anyway. After an initial couple of hours examining her inpatients for any hint of the symptoms, which was almost entirely unlikely, but Bianca was insistent on every patient being checked, Alaska was assigned to cover as many hours in the clinic as possible. She was told not to neglect her own patients, but she was asked to relieve those who were needed around the clock for flu cases. This left her with strict instructions to be on constant alert for any and all symptoms of this new breed of flu, and as a result, meant that she spent a ridiculous amount of time diagnosing the common cold. She wanted more than anything to make sure that she didn’t make the situation worse, misdiagnosing or causing careless problems. She could feel the toll of twenty hour days actively burning her out, and she knew that they wouldn’t let up for at least another week. 

“So I guess that we’re not seeing Harry Potter tonight,” Alaska said carefully, and Courtney laughed weakly. 

The days passed by without any sign of actual improvement, merging into each other. So much for three days off, she had thought once she was home. She was starving, but it was nearly two am by the time she was back, and she opted for falling asleep on the couch instead of feeding herself. Courtney sometimes left food out for her if she was home earlier, but with Willam so busy in surgery, it was rare that Alaska got any of her attention. She woke up at five am the next morning and before she even had a chance to breathe, she was back in the hospital, listening to surgeons and nurses talk quietly about the situation at hand.

She looked hopefully at Courtney, but she shook her head for no sign of change. Upstairs, where all of her friends were, the search for a cure continued. Downstairs, Alaska pulled her coat on closer as she called in the next patient.

*

“We had two patients die in the last hour,” Trixie explained quietly on their way to Alaska’s office, taking the place of Willam for once. “Both in their late seventies, both of which were suffering from previous conditions. There’s twenty people down with the flu now. We’ve been trying to figure out what the fuck is going on, we’ve been carrying out lung biopsies for a week now. I don’t think Katya has slept in days.”

Alaska paled at the mention of Katya, unable to help herself as she felt herself disconnect from reality for a moment. Trixie realised, softening as she looked at her.

“Hey,” Trixie frowned, reaching to put her hand on Alaska’s back gently. “I’m sorry. I- Um, Courtney told me and Willam.”

“Because Katya didn’t,” The words felt stale in her mouth. She wasn’t quite sure if she recognised her own voice, and she didn’t want to think about how it sounded to Trixie.

“Katya’s a selfish bitch sometimes,” Trixie said, clearly deciding that if she was taking a side, it would be Alaska’s. Not that there were sides, this wasn’t highschool, but it did feel comforting to know that Alaska was feeling as shitty as she was supposed to. “Listen, Lasky, Katya is my best friend and I love her, but you know… She’s a selfish fuck, and you - You deserve so much better than this, okay?”

“That’s not very nice to say about your best friend,” Alaska said quietly, digging through her pocket and pulling out the key to open her office.

“Fuck Katya,” Trixie said firmly. “You’re my best friend too. You and Willam and Courtney. We’re a family, y’know. Are you going to be okay?”

“I’m fine,” Alaska said quickly, dropping the drawl for a moment before realising. Trixie had more power than she did, in the hierarchy of New York’s prime hospital scene. “Listen, I know that we’re short staffed, but help me here. I can’t - You can’t let nurses back up here if they’ve been in the flu ward. My patients are already immunocompromised, you have to back me up. They’ll just -”

“I am, girl,” Trixie nodded, biting her bottom lip as Alaska fumbled with the key in the lock. “They won’t do that. They’re not stupid, they won’t risk lives like that.”

“Desperation is a beautiful blindness. I don’t trust them,” Alaska sighed, letting them in and checking her watch before pushing her hair back. “I have Bunny in here and then I’ll go back to the clinic.”

“Okay,” Trixie frowned, putting the files down onto Alaska’s desk. “Be careful, okay?”

“I always am. Didn’t get known as the best nurse here for sleeping with the doctors,” Alaska mumbled, licking over her bottom lip as she looked at her desk. “Does help, though,” She said bitterly, glancing at what she saw. There was a starbucks cup on her desk, which upon closer inspection, had her usual order. “I thought the A’s weren’t in for another hour.”

“They aren’t. Courtney and Willam are scheduled for two.” Trixie raised a brow.

“Huh.” Alaska said, looking at the cup once more before deciding it was safe enough to just drink. It was still hot. Alaska had way too many questions about her secret coffee-gifting admirer. She would have to apologise when she figured out who it was, considering she was about ready to give up on love forever after the feeling Katya left her with. “See you later.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> quit your bitching, quit your complaining / like it or not i'm the current fucking reigning

“I need you to take more nights on call, Alaska.” Bianca said, and Alaska tried not to groan. She had known it was going to happen. Everyone that could was taking on more hours, especially as news of the flu had spread through the city, and the number of cases rose. It made her feel sick, too uncomfortable to think about anything else. She hadn’t been in full crisis mode since one of her patients had had complications with surgery, and that hadn’t been a full hospital event. She wasn’t used to constant exhaustion yet, with everyone busy. The moment that she had more than two days off, she knew she was going to get so disgustingly sick. She didn’t want it, but it was one of life’s great injustices.

She didn’t say anything to Bianca, partly out of fear of being yelled at and partly out of acceptance. She made a mental note to bring spare clothes to her office, bring makeup wipes and more makeup incase she needed to fix anything, so that she could sleep there if needed.

Bianca looked exhausted, too. Her hair was tied back tightly, lying flat otherwise on her head. She had dark circles around her eyes, hidden carefully with layers of makeup, and although Alaska didn’t know her particularly well, she was a good boss and a good Dean of Medicine. She had been called a few times on her ability to run her mouth, but Alaska knew that she was only like that around her closest friends. If she didn’t know Trixie, Willam and Katya, she wouldn’t have ever known, only realising how quick-witted she actually was when they would relay jokes at lunch to her. 

Even when she was busy and overworked, she still managed to find time to be sad about Katya. When Sharon had left her, after a particularly aggressive fight which Alaska needed stitches from, there was never this pain. It was a clean break, and although Alaska still had to go to therapy, she had been able to heal. This was more like jagged bone hanging out of a broken arm. They hadn’t spoken since the night it had all happened, and judging by the way Katya managed to vanish every time Alaska walked into a room, Katya didn’t want to. Alaska wanted so badly not to care. She was a one night stand. She had to get over herself, she was an adult, she couldn’t spend her entire life crying over one night.

“Thanks,” Bianca said, snapping Alaska back to reality. She looked relieved, the lines in her makeup starting to crack. “Can you take the clinic tonight? I’ll see if I can put you on admissions tomorrow.”

“Yeah, sure.” Alaska said, rubbing her eyes. She had gotten past the point of eyeliner, accepting her ridiculously heavy-handed eyeshadow for what it was. At least with primer, it didn’t budge, no matter how many times she found herself crying in a bathroom stall. 

“I’ll let them know you’ll be down in an hour.” Bianca said, and Alaska went to find somewhere to nap. She would have gone to the staffroom on the third floor, but when she saw a familiar figure in the doorway with long blonde hair, she kept on walking and decided on her office instead.

*

She got off at eleven that night, making an easy twenty five hours since she’d started the night before, and decided she needed to call her brother. Between her three siblings and two parents, she had been receiving a consistent and unrelenting stream of emails and texts about her holiday plans. She had been trying to avoid any mention of the topic, knowing it would disappoint all of her family. She hadn’t managed to have a Christmas off in three years, and the one year she had managed it off, she had been snowed in. 

Her brother talked about all of the important things. Their sister had a new boyfriend, someone in law, and they were planning a wedding. Alaska would have to make sure she got a date on that, otherwise she’d end up unable to go due to scheduling. She would also have to see if she could find a date, but that was a problem for future Alaska. He mentioned the flu outbreak, and Alaska just nodded, sighing as she pulled into the building car-park. It made her feel guilty. He asked about holiday break, and she gave some spiel he’d heard before about overtime and working for a cure.

She hung up before he had the chance to put her on with her mom, trying to swallow back the guilt as she let herself into the building and into the apartment. When she opened the door, Courtney was sat on the couch, watching an old episode of Friends. Alaska couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

“Howdy, stranger,” Alaska sighed, stretching her back ever so slightly as she put her bag down. Her voice sounded rough. “You mind if I join you?”

“I love your company, girl. You know you’re always welcome here. You eaten?” Courtney smiled, and Alaska tried not to frown. With the extra shifts, she had been forgetting to eat, and the mention of food brought it back to her.

“No.”

“Willam’s bringing me back pizza if you’re up for it.” Courtney offered, shuffling over on the couch and making room for Alaska.

Alaska sat down, sprawling herself out on the couch and resting against Courtney, yawning before looking up at her. “Only if you get stuffed crust. I’m not about that thin-base life. Fuck, my vision’s gone weird.”

“Should I be on nurse-mode or is this just exhaustion?” Courtney raised a brow, smiling as she got out her phone to text Willam. 

“Exhaustion? Maybe. I hope I’m not sick. I don’t think sleep-deprivation and dizziness from exhaustion were symptoms of this new flu.” Alaska drawled, stretching out as she jutted her bottom lip out. “You could be a good friend and go draw a bath for me.”

“Nice try, but no. Draw a bath is so American of you. Where are you from again? Texas?”

“Leave me alone, Aussie bitch,” Alaska whined. The next half an hour passed with ease, Alaska tiredly watching Phoebe talk about how her voice was better when she was sick and Courtney texting Willam for the most part. It was comfortable. It was times like these she was glad she didn’t live alone, because if she had to have a moment alone with her thoughts, she would probably have tried to kill herself from the bubbling anxiety inside of her. 

When Willam walked in, Courtney just gave her a look and shuffled a little further over to let her girlfriend join. Between them, they managed to get Alaska upright and eating, and it wasn’t until she had had three slices that she actually bothered to acknowledge them, just smiling weakly. 

“How’s life?” Willam asked carefully, crossing her legs over Courtney’s and kicking off her kitten heels, nudging at Alaska with her toe.

“Don’t do that. You’re gross.” Alaska pouted, swallowing down pizza as she spoke. “I’m just tired.”

“Yeah. We all are. It seems to be hitting you pretty bad though,” Willam hummed, pressing her foot flat against Alaska’s thigh and making her whine even more. “How’s Katya?”

Alaska thought for a moment, closing her eyes as she leaned back into the couch. She picked at the crust of the pizza, picking out the cheese before deciding to eat it. “Katya Zamolodchikova is the least of my problems right now.” 

“I don’t believe you.”

“Can you leave it? For once, can you just leave it?” Alaska frowned, looking over at Willam. She regretted telling Willam and Courtney about that night. They had been sympathetic and listened, and had known exactly what to say, and had even let Alaska join them on their rare nights off. If Alaska was a better person, she would’ve offered to cover Courtney’s shifts even after her ridiculous thirty hour shifts ended, giving Willam and her the time alone they deserved. 

Willam must have caught onto her complete discomfort, because she sighed and got up, looking down at Courtney before pursing her lips. “You need to sleep.” 

“Bill…”

“Court, shut up. Alaska, c’mon. I’m a good friend. You’re going to sleep, and you’re going to miss your alarm tomorrow morning, and that’s okay, cause me and Court will cover for you. Fuckin’ bullshit that they’re making you work over twenty hours. The only reason they don’t schedule me that long is ‘cause I’m a surgeon. So I’ll cover.” 

“Willam, no. You don’t- You can’t do that.” Alaska frowned, reaching up to rub her temple as she looked up at her. “Not only will I get into trouble, so will you.” 

“Doesn’t matter.” Willam shrugged, taking her hand off of her head and helping her up. “You have to sleep. No point having sleep-deprived staff, right? More mistakes are made.”

“I guess.” Alaska mumbled, legs shaky as she gave in, leaning against Willam before being dragged back to bed. She didn’t remember having her makeup taken off, but she was pretty sure Courtney came in a little after she was lying down in the dark and cleaned her up. She didn’t deserve her friends. They were too kind to her, and they were even kinder to ignore the crying that Alaska both tried and failed to keep quiet. 

*

It wasn’t until eleven that she woke up the next day, her phone set to silent for the first time in years. Courtney must have fixed that too while she was sleeping. She sat up in her bed, checking her notifications and feeling her heart sink. She had thirty six missed calls, of which thirty were from the hospital, and the other six were from both Courtney and Willam. She had a couple of missed texts, all of which were from Bianca, either complaining that she was late for her shift or praising her ability to get Willam to cover. One was from a number she recognised but couldn’t place, asking for an immediate return call. She assumed it was probably an insurance company or something, which would explain why she hadn’t bothered to save it. Alaska had nothing better to do, so she decided to call.

The number held for a few moments before connecting her, asking her to state the reference number she was sent in the text. After she checked it and repeated it to the operator, she was met with a familiar voice.

“Am I speaking to Miss Needles?”

*

Alaska wasn’t attacked by Bianca for lateness, for the first time in her life. Apparently Willam had given a good enough excuse, and Alaska wasn’t about to question that, because the sleep she’d managed to keep had made everything feel better. She found Courtney almost immediately, dragging her into the canteen to get coffee.

“I haven’t slept in at least thirty hours now,” Courtney smiled, eyes ever so slightly too wide for her to be anything other than awake. Alaska wasn’t even sure if ‘awake’ counted as an emotion, but that was definitely what everyone was currently feeling. Willam appeared besides her, wrapping her arm around her and leaning in.

“You should sleep. I heard this rumour about people actually being able to do shit when they’ve slept, instead of staring at walls for ten minutes at a time and blinking too much,” Willam said carefully, taking the cup of coffee from Courtney’s hands without her even noticing, sipping at it before making a face. “This is gross. You need to add more sugar.”

“Hey, that was rude. That’s mine,” Courtney frowned, turning her head to look at Willam and raising a brow.

“You’re rude,” Willam rolled her eyes, sipping again at the drink. “I can’t believe I’m friends with someone who hates sugar. How is that even possible?”

“Who?” Someone asked, and if the Russian accent wasn’t a total giveaway, the fact that Alaska immediately decided to focus on her own coffee, picking at the side of her cup and trying not to be visible. She didn’t need to try, though. Katya wasn’t paying attention to her, or even acknowledging her.

“Me, and it’s because I don’t like too much sugar. What’s up?” Courtney asked, turning to look at her. She was trying to be nice, but her tone gave away the awkwardness of the situation, clear on the fact that she knew what had happened and wasn’t okay with it. Alaska wanted to die, or maybe disappear forever.

“I need Willam in surgery,” Katya said, looking up at her. “Last one, and then you can go. You’re the only person here who can do it.”

“Thank you, Queen Ekaterina and Powerful Business Boss,” Willam rolled her eyes, handing Courtney her coffee back and leaning in to kiss her, leaving Alaska and Katya looking even more awkward than they had before. 

Katya looked awkward, too. Not nearly as uncomfortable as Alaska, but she was tired, and it showed. She was holding a pile of paperwork in one arm, securing it against her hip, and Alaska knew that she should leave. She wanted Katya to like her, or at least go back to painful indifference. It was hard to share her friends, and it broke nearly every plan they had, because Katya would call out the second she found out that Alaska was planning on coming along too. She threw her own cup in the bin, and paused, remembering what she had heard earlier.

“Oh, uh, Court. Sharon’s been admitted here, apparently she’s in a bad condition. I don’t… If you want, maybe we could try and see her when you’ve got a moment,” Alaska mumbled, trailing off towards the end as she saw Courtney’s face change.

“She has the flu? Wait, Lask, how do you know she’s here?” Courtney asked carefully, pulling back from Willam and blinking at her.

“Oh my god, girl, don’t tell me you still have your ex listed as your emergency contact. Are you serious?” Willam raised her brows, pursing her lips into a tight line. “I thought we fixed this,” She cut off, realising Katya had dropped her papers at the mention of Alaska’s ex, “Uh?”

“Sorry, I slipped,” Katya mumbled, looking at the floor and the mess she’d created. If Alaska didn’t know better, she would’ve thought that Katya was actually blushing, but she was Katya and Katya never blushed. Katya never even showed outward emotion unless Trixie was around, or if she was out with Willam. 

Willam rolled her eyes again, clearly done with the entire situation and the exhaustion that was creeping in as she leant down to help, and after a moment Alaska joined. She wasn’t close with Katya, sure, but she was still a good person, and she still liked her, even if she’d essentially been fucked over by her. She gathered the papers into stacks, handing them over to Katya after a moment of awkward silence.

“Thank you,” Katya breathed, and took them back, fingertips brushing against Alaska’s own as she took them back. Her hair had fallen over her eyes, and she looked her age for once. Like how she’d looked in Alaska’s bed, when everything was okay and nothing was awkward. Alaska got herself up almost immediately, and left, without saying any goodbyes. The thought of Katya was actually painful, and the reminders of what could’ve been made her feel something that left remnants of a bitter taste in her mouth.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so dream about us when you're alone / just dream about how i will let go

Alaska was proud of her ability to fall asleep in her office without anyone noticing, leaving her with a small amount of privacy and dignity between her long shifts, and her ability to stay under the radar meant that nobody noticed. She was sure if Willam found her, she would be the laughing stock of the staff-room for the next week, and if Courtney did, she would be the subject of all of her pity. She didn’t want to be found, though, and the idea of secrecy sounded perfect. She had mastered the art of making her office looking unoccupied while she slept, and it meant that Courtney and Willam stopped telling her to go home. 

She vaguely thought that there might be something against hospital rules about sleeping in her office, but she didn’t want to know. People napped in the staff room all the time. She caught Trixie sleeping there several times on her breaks, and Trixie had never gotten in trouble before. 

She must have left her door open one morning, taking the scheduled nap from two till six and avoiding most of her responsibilities, because she woke up to the sound of the door shutting as someone left the office. It took her a few moments for her vision to return to normal, heavy with sleep, and by that point the visitor was completely gone.

It was a surprise to realise that the stranger hadn’t taken the opportunity to make fun of her or shower her with pity, but had simply draped a blanket over her body and left a bag on her desk. There was a note scrawled onto the top that read ‘don’t forget to eat.’ The handwriting was familiar, but Alaska couldn’t quite place it.

She opened the bag up quietly, blinking at the sight. It was vegetarian sushi, but not like the stuff she normally bought. It was expensive, fancy sushi, like the kind that people bought on dates. She hadn’t realised how starving she was until she finished the sushi in record time, and sighed when she was done. It was better than anything she’d eaten in the last week, and the secret note-leaver was right. Being busy meant less time for remembering to eat. 

She checked the clock on her desk, and she still had an hour before she had to go back to the clinic, so she tried to settle back into her seat and get comfortable again. The blanket spread over her seemed like it was almost handmade, with the communist symbol that she had learnt about in high-school sewn into it. The hammer and sickle were kind of cute, if not a little sloppy on the stitchwork. It was really warm, and it smelt good too, and soon she was fast asleep again.

Later, once Alaska finally returned from the clinic and went back to meet with a regular patient, the quilt was gone from her office. There was a pink rose on her desk, where the empty bag had once been, and Alaska felt her cheeks flush the entire walk back to the consultation.

*

Alaska was exhausted by the time the next meeting rolled around, and the situation had only proven to get worse to the outside world. Once the meeting was over, she could go home and sleep in her own bed - something that she hadn’t been able to do in days, which was one of the few things keeping her going - and when Courtney nudged at her, it took her a few minutes to zone back to reality and realise exactly why she looked so distressed. She forced herself to listen, and stood as still as possible, despite the overwhelming anxiety filling her stomach.

“It’s just a complete waste of resources, Miss Act,” Dr Crawford repeated, pursing her lips into a tight line. Alaska wanted to punch her, and not just because she was trying to sabotage Courtney. “I understand that there are concerns, but at the rate this virus is spreading, we can’t afford this indulgence. People are sick all over the hospital and we’re struggling to find a cure. It’s ridiculous that you should have a special set of staff all to yourself.”

“It’s not indulgence. It’s quarantine,” Alaska said carefully, unsure as to why this was even being brought up because last time she checked, children shouldn’t have to die due to mistreatment in a place that they went to get better. “Courtney works with very ill children who are undergoing radiotherapy and can’t be subject to a killer virus.”

“Miss Thunder, the flu patients are in clean rooms. You of all people should know this,” Dr Crawford said, as if everything Alaska had told her meant nothing. The fact that she had the nerve to imply that because her ex girlfriend had been admitted made her less of a nurse was insulting, and Alaska didn’t miss how Courtney tensed up. “The staff are clean when they walk in and when they walk out. There is essentially no possibility of an infection from the virus.”

“The smallest possibility is too much,” Courtney frowned, turning to Bianca in an attempt to get her to say something. She was confidently staring between the two of them, watching the scene unfold and silently making her own decision. “These kids are dying, Bianca. Or they’re recovering from nearly dying. You can’t put them in danger like that.” 

“We’re short staffed, Miss Act, we need as many people working with the flu patients and in the clinic as possible. We can’t afford to give one department special treatment, and I’m sure they’ll agree with me. We can vote on it.”

“No, Bianca, you can’t allow this,” Alaska frowned, stroking over the back of Courtney’s hand as she turned to look properly at her. They didn’t share a department, but Alaska knew exactly how Courtney felt. The virus was the only strain currently to affect both kids and adults at the same rate, and it was essentially a death sentence if it got into the paediatrics department. 

Bianca just raised her brows, glancing to Dr Crawford and then back to Alaska. “Magnolia makes fair points. I don’t like it any more than you or Courtney do, Alaska, but the risk could be worth it. If the extra staff can bring us closer to the cure, then it would be unethical to stop them from doing so.”

“They won’t, though. You know they can’t, Bianca. Look, everyone knows it’s wishful thinking. Courtney is working harder than anyone here, and she’s covered more hours in the clinic than anyone else here whilst still keeping her patients in recovery.”

“Nobody has questioned that, Miss Thunder. She’s clearly dedicated, but there are at least ten doctors and nurses that can be working towards the cure that currently aren’t.”

“Those kids will die,” Alaska frowned, shaking her head. 

“They won’t. We’re professionals, and the risk pales in comparison to the possible benefits. Miss Thunder, you’re overreacting completely.”

“She isn’t overreacting,” Katya said, and Alaska’s head turned so fast that it hurt. Katya had been stood in the corner of the room for the past half hour, silent and leaning against Trixie every so often. Alaska was speechless, and Katya was like some knight in shining armour, except she wasn’t. She was just seeing reason. Katya looked just as exhausted as Alaska did. “It really doesn’t.”

“I’m sorry?” Dr Crawford asked, her voice cold and harsh. Katya sighed, pushing her hair out of her face and standing up straighter.

“This shouldn’t even be up for debate, Magnolia. You can’t risk exposing immunocompromised patients to a deadly flu we don’t know how to fix. It’s clear.”

“Katya,” Bianca started, but stopped when Katya stepped forward, looking up at her with a certain disappointment in her gaze.

“I know everyone is tired. Desperation shouldn’t blind you, Bianca. There are fourteen doctors and nurses in the cancer ward, and you and me both know they won’t find the cure. The only thing they would bring would be extra shifts, and we can’t risk patients lives like this. You know that.” 

Courtney bit her tongue, and Alaska squeezed her hand a little before letting go. Dr Crawford glared at Katya and said, “Dr Zamo, sticking up for your friends is a very valiant thing to do, but we’re all professionals here.”

“Really?” Katya asked, and if Alaska had never met her before, she would’ve fallen in love all over again at the sight. “A professional would be able to pronounce my last name. I learnt yours, why can’t you learn mine? Is it because you’re scared that someone foreign might possibly be better at their job than you? You’re being ridiculous, Magnolia.”

Bianca looked like she wanted to get up and leave, shaking her head and rubbing her forehead like it might fix the situation. “Katya, is this really worth -”

“Yeah, it is, Bianca. And if you go ahead and do it anyway, me and the other surgeons are going to take a surprise vacation for a couple of weeks. I have years of holiday saved up. Oh, and Magnolia? Eat shit, kindly,” Katya grinned, showing off all of her teeth in the process before picking up her cup of coffee and walking out, Trixie following suit. Alaska had never seen that side of Katya before, the side that wasn’t serious in order to keep her job. It was the first time in years she’d seen any actual personality other than coldness to the surgeon, and she liked it.

“Okay then. I guess that’s that. You’re all dismissed,” Bianca said, sighing and picking herself up, bolting out the door before everyone else could.

Courtney turned to look at Alaska, eyebrows raised and eyes wide. Alaska wanted to do the same, but she was trying not to act like she was still miserable about what had happened between her and Katya, so she just smiled. No matter what happened, she was pretty sure she was going to be in love with her for as long as she worked in medicine. Katya was perfect.

Courtney raised her eyebrows again for effect, leaning into her. “What was that all about? That was awesome. I see why Willam says she’s cool. God, why did Katya do that? She doesn’t even like me that much.”

“I have no idea.” Alaska said quietly, pulling her scrubs a little closer and trying to ignore the way her mood lightened at the thought of the meeting.

*

One thing Alaska didn’t mind about the overtime was the fact that her secret admirer continued bringing her things. There was always her order from Starbucks in the morning, hidden in her office, and when there were night shifts, she found hot chocolate appearing in her path. Most of the time the gifts were left in her office, but when she had to work in the clinic, she would find things left behind the main desk with her name on them. Alaska was pretty sure she was being stalked, but she wasn’t too worried. They were either incredibly good at stalking, or worked in the hospital, and she hadn’t been drugged yet, so she was going with the second option. 

She received more pink roses, and more meals. Sometimes they were from local places, but sometimes they were homemade, and most of the time, they tasted really good. There were a few times where she had been gifted things like Okroshka, which she had only learnt the name of after making Willam taste it and google the ingredients. It was Russian. Once, there was a box of chocolates, and they were all perfect. Alaska took them home and ate them while she watched a movie that Courtney had promised was good, but it was kind of bad. She didn't even mind that much.

“I don’t know if it’s weird or if I should be charmed,” Alaska told Courtney in the cafeteria, picking up a green apple and placing it onto her plate. “It’s weird, I mean. I know it’s weird. But it’s sweet. They know all of my orders, though. Like, even things I haven’t eaten in months.”

“Stalking is kind of creepy, but maybe they’re scared of you. Some people are anxious, they can’t just talk to beautiful girls,” Courtney said way too seriously, and Alaska laughed, nearly knocking the apple off of her plate. 

“I guess that’s kind of true,” Alaska smiled down at her, picking the tray up and adding, “Isn’t it kind of stupid to get a crush on someone you don’t know, though? I think someone wise told me that a few years back,” Courtney just smiled, her eyes widening as she turned away, looking back up to Alaska after a moment and raising a brow.

“You didn’t hear that?” Courtney asked, eyes wide, and Alaska shook her head. “There was like a crash or something. That was weird.”

“You know you’re working too hard when you’re hearing things,” Alaska laughed quietly, leading Courtney over to a table and stealing one of the fries off of her plate when she wasn’t looking.

By the time Alaska had gotten back to her office, she felt a lot better, and eating actually did make things feel a little more bearable. It was one of the few simple pleasures in life, like bubble baths or taking drugs in clubs and not getting caught in med school. Willam was in her chair, and there was another Starbucks cup with her name on. Alaska grinned at the sight, picking the cup up and sipping at it. “You didn’t get me this, did you?”

“No, girl, you playin’. I’m not about to go to Starbucks for you. I don’t even like doing that walk for Court,” Willam laughed, staring up at her and crossing her legs in the chair. “Your creepy stalker knows your exact Starbucks order?”

“Apparently. And the fact that I don’t eat meat. Really, it’s more like I have a guardian angel, y’know,” Alaska smiled, biting her lip. “It’s still hot. What’s up?”

“Not much. I’m killin’ time. Me and Court were going to hang, but she’s got a patient, and I was informed that you were supposed to be in the clinic. I was supposed to be going home, but Katya had a tragic accident with a door in the cafeteria and burnt her hand, so I’m covering. Have you heard any news on Needles?”

“I’ve heard that her situation isn’t good. I don’t - I know I shouldn’t care, but I’m worried about her.”

*

Trixie called at two am. Alaska normally would’ve ignored the call, but it wasn’t just Willam or Courtney. Trixie didn’t normally call, unless something was wrong. Her voice was urgent, and everything felt like white noise as Alaska changed and drove herself to the hospital. She was pretty sure this was karma for starting to feel good about her life again, and letting herself forget the distress she had been in since Katya had slept with her. 

She broke the speed limit, and tried not to wince when she had to make a sharp break before a speed camera. She pulled into the parking space fast, and sprinted through the main doors directly into somebody making their way out.

“Alaska, hey, whoa,” Katya said, and in any normal situation, Alaska would’ve melted right then and there. She barely recognised the contact, and blinked at Katya’s hands on her arms like they weren’t real. There was a bandage wrapped around her hand. “What are you doing here?” She asked, looking up at Alaska with tired eyes. “You’re not supposed to be in for hours.”

“Courtney’s got the virus,” Alaska said, shoving past and not looking back.

Willam and Trixie were waiting for her by her office when she walked up, and Alaska had never seen Willam so sad. She looked like she had been crying, and Alaska wrapped her arms around her tight and kissed her head like it was the only thing she could possibly offer. 

“When did she start displaying symptoms?” Alaska asked, pulling away from Willam and looking up at Trixie. Both of them knew Willam shouldn’t have been there, but neither of them had the heart to make her leave. Alaska was pretty sure Willam was going to kill Magnolia Crawford the second that Courtney was okay, though, especially after Courtney had taken on more shifts in the clinic to help relieve staff. 

“At ten? She’s been in since one, but she hasn’t been around patients. Willam drove her here. It looks like she’s got a bad case.” Trixie explained. Alaska frowned, but tried not to look so openly heartbroken. She was lacking her normal protective layer of makeup, and she could only imagine the lengths that they would be going to in order to stop more staff getting the virus. She wanted to cry.

“Willam, you need to go rest. You know her room number, okay? Come down once you’ve slept. Let’s get to work, Trixie,” Alaska sighed.

*

It was nine by the time she returned to her desk, and there were more gifts on her desk. There were fresh strawberries and a bar of chocolate with a bottle of water, and the note read ‘don’t forget to sleep. No caffeine.’ Alaska ignored the note for the most part, eating the strawberries and ignoring the water, and headed back to the lab. She watched Trixie work and hoped for the best, and tried to ignore the fact that Willam hadn’t stopped crying in the staff-room for the past few hours. She had never seen Willam be anything other than unapologetically fearless, and now she was a mess. 

When she got back to her office on her way to the clinic, the water was gone and replaced with a cup of Starbucks coffee, and Alaska drank it all before collecting her things and going downstairs. As she went to throw it away, she saw that the cup had ‘идиот’ written on the side in big writing. She didn’t think twice about trying to translate it as she set up camp in one of the rooms, calling in the first patient of the shift. 

Once she was out, there wasn’t enough time to clear her thoughts, and two of her consultations ended in her nearly crying over both Sharon and Courtney. They were no closer to the cure, no matter how hard they were trying, and the death rate was rising around her. Alaska was walking with ghosts in the halls.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> all the still born love that could've happened / all the moments you should have embraced / all the moments you should have not locked up

Sharon was getting better, but Courtney wasn’t. Courtney, out of everyone, was the one who should be getting better. She was a vegan most of the time, and she was healthy, and she always did the right thing. Sharon took absolutely no care of herself, and spent the entire time that Alaska visited talking about her new boyfriend who supposedly didn’t do drugs. Alaska was happy for her, really, but it hurt knowing that she was replaced so easily.

Willam called out sick and spent nearly all of her time besides Courtney, and if she wasn’t spending time by her side, she was in the staff-room crying. Alaska figured this was one of the perks of being a doctor, being able to see your sick girlfriend despite the quarantine placed on her. It had passed the few days of incubation, so at least Willam wouldn’t be getting sick too, but she was still constantly on edge. Everything felt sort of blurry, like she wasn’t wearing contacts and she’d forgotten her glasses, and she found herself more often than not lightheaded. Trixie and Bianca were starting to be warmer, helping her and picking up the slack that Courtney used to when she wasn’t ill. She had even noticed that Katya was around more, hovering by Courtney’s room and asking how she was every time someone walked past her.

As much as Alaska knew that normally, Katya’s presence would’ve been an instant mood booster, she couldn’t bring herself to notice anything outside of her work at all. She was clumsier than ever, which hadn’t changed, but her ability to make conversation had completely deteriorated. Katya said a lot of things that either went past Alaska, or seemed like they were out of pity, and Alaska didn’t have enough time for either.

She ate at least once a day, because the mystery admirer was leaving food on her desk and it was rude to ignore it. She didn’t have much of an appetite, but she forced herself to as a trade-off for avoiding sleep. The notes were getting longer, and Trixie had even found out about it. She seemed like she wasn’t happy with it, but Trixie was too nice, so Alaska was happy to pretend that she was just jealous. The gifts she was left with were part of the reason she hadn’t entirely given up, and the flowers came home with her every time she had a moment to drive back.

*

By the next week, Courtney was finally starting to show signs of improvement, but she was still ill. Trixie invited Alaska out, and although she was pretty sure it was because she felt guilty that everything in Alaska’s life was going wrong, Alaska wasn’t going to stop her. She took her to see the Harry Potter movie that Katya had shot her down on, and then took her out for dinner, and invited a girl named Kim that was almost as clumsy as Alaska was.

They talked about a lot of things, like how Alaska was a great nurse and how Trixie was busy with her family trying to get her a boyfriend, and how Kim was a makeup artist and could get Alaska a discount if she wanted one. Alaska couldn’t concentrate much, and Trixie ordered for her to save the hassle. By the time it arrived, Kim and Trixie were talking again, and Alaska was able to zone out and stare at everything except them, slowly chipping away at the plate she had been given.

“Alaska,” Trixie said, and when Alaska looked up, Trixie was staring. She looked almost offended at the fact Alaska hadn’t been paying attention, and she could hear the impatience in her voice.

“I’m sorry. What?”

Trixie’s face fell, and Kim looked uncomfortable. “I asked if you were going to be alright, Lask.”

“Probably. I’m not the one sick.”

“I’m sorry, Alaska. You know it’s not your fault, right? Courtney’s getting better, too. And I know that Katya is trying her hardest too. Between you both, we have the best doctors in the entire hospital working to make sure she gets healthy again,” Trixie said, sighing and sitting up straight. “And they’re flying in new doctors to help. Specialists. She’s going to be okay.”

“We don’t know anything about them. They could be just as clueless as we are.”

“Everyone is saying they’re really good. I knew one of them in med school, she’s from Seattle. I know she used to be really nice, and she’s a brilliant doctor,” Trixie offered.

“We have brilliant doctors here, too,” Alaska mumbled, looking back down at her plate again. “But our team can’t solve it. My best friend might die, because the death rate is rising every single day and she isn’t getting much better, and my ex who I haven’t seen in years nearly died because of this virus.”

“Alaska,” Trixie repeated, snapping her out of her trance. Alaska looked up again, jutting her bottom lip out before trying to smile at her.

“Sorry. I’m not particularly fun to be around right now. I think I might just go home,” Alaska said quietly, handing Trixie a few bills from her wallet and excusing herself. Nobody followed her on her way out, and Alaska didn’t blame them. She was a terrible guest. She thought she heard Trixie say something along the lines of Katya predicting the night, but she didn’t care anymore, because Trixie was probably lying.

The drive home was silent, and Alaska fell asleep on the couch when she got home. By Wednesday, Courtney had managed to catch pneumonia, and Willam was running out of holiday to use up on staying by her side. Alaska was vaguely expecting the worst, but she wasn’t going to give up hope that Courtney would recover. Courtney was a fighter, and if she wasn’t, then Willam would fight for her.

*

It was freezing outside, but Alaska couldn’t find it within herself to go back inside again, and she didn’t need her coat anyway. She barely noticed once she was past the carpark and the main grounds, even with her knuckles starting to ache from the breeze. There was a park just outside the hospital, and it was mostly deserted due to the weather. Alaska briefly thought about why people normally went there, but she didn’t dwell on it for too long. She wasn’t there to process grief or fear.

She wandered down the empty pathway, eventually deciding to take her seat on one of the less icy benches in the empty park and pulling out her phone. She didn’t bring lunch, because without Courtney the cafe was dull and with everything going on in her life, she didn’t get hungry anymore. Her appetite was almost gone, with the exception of ready salted chips whilst watching rom-coms. Courtney probably would’ve yelled at her for the choice, considering how unhealthy they were.

She almost didn’t hear the footsteps approaching her, only looking up when they were directly in front of her. When she did look, she stared without making the connection between Katya Zamolodchikova standing there looking at her and, well, Katya Zamolodchikova.

“You forgot your coat,” Katya said carefully, holding out the coat that Alaska had left in her office, draped over her chair.

Alaska blinked up at her, and Katya looked guilty. Or embarrassed, with her cheeks starting to flush pink. Alaska just stared, waiting for any sort of explanation. The coat hadn’t been the most obvious thing in her office to find, and they weren’t exactly close to the main grounds.

“My office is there,” Katya explained, pointing up towards a window that Alaska was pretty sure was too far away to see people from. “It looks out here, it’s… It’s really cold, Alaska. You should wear your coat.”

Alaska wanted to tell her she loved her. There was so much she wanted to say, but there was no energy left. Everything she did was going badly, and it wasn’t worth the effort of breaking her heart again. She took the coat, pulling it on and smoothing down one of the tufts of fake fur, pocketing her phone in the process. It didn’t help at all, but her fingers did stop aching.

“Thanks,” Alaska mumbled, shoving her hands into her pockets.

“Can I sit down?” Katya asked, looking at her like she was a patient being prepared for the worst. Alaska wouldn’t have blamed her if that was the case, with how her luck was going. She nodded carefully, watching her sit.

If either of them moved, they would be pressed up against each other. Alaska didn’t try anything, because life wasn’t like a movie. No matter how many fantasies she had, she couldn’t just wish and have a better situation, one where her friends were alive and her most recent fuck liked her back.

“I’m sorry about Courtney,” Katya said.

“It’s not your fault,” Alaska answered without thinking much.

“It isn’t yours either,” Katya sounded certain. Alaska knew that she was just trying to be nice, but it still didn’t feel good to think about. She didn’t say anything back, and after a moment, Katya sighed. “It’s not even -”

“Why are you talking to me?” Alaska asked, her voice quiet. She knew how emotional she sounded, tired and defeated and exhausted. The filter she had was gone, and in the back of her mind, she knew that wasn’t what Katya needed. She had already managed to embarrass herself around Katya enough for the rest of her life, and maybe the afterlife too.

Katya turned to look at her, swallowing. “I… I want to? I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, and I -”

“You don’t have to worry about me calling in a debt, Katya. I’m not a charity case. I’m not going to kill myself if someone I care about dies, I do have some self control,” Alaska said.

“I didn’t,” Katya said, stumbling over her words. “I mean, you -”

“Katya, it’s okay. You can stop hanging around and looking guilty. I’ve had people do worse things than fuck and run, alright?” Alaska said, looking down at Katya for a response. She was silent, as if Alaska had said exactly the right thing to destroy any chance they had left. “Thanks for bringing my coat,” She added, standing up and walking back to the hospital, not looking back at the mess she’d managed to create.

When she got back, there was another box of chocolates on her desk, with a pink ribbon tied around the box and another pink rose. There was a note attached, reading ‘merry christmas, детка,’ which was the only reason Alaska remembered what day it was.

*

Alaska was woken up at five AM on Boxing Day by Bianca Del Rio breaking into her office and clearing her throat. She was pretty sure that she wasn’t about to be yelled at, but the sight definitely did make her jump. Something tightened in her stomach as she sat up properly in the chair, looking up at her hopefully. If anything had happened to Courtney, Trixie would’ve been the one to give her the news.

“You aren’t allowed to sleep in here, Alaska,” Bianca said pointedly, looking at the box of chocolates on her desk before back to her. “The specialist team want to see you. There’s a meeting at 8am, when they get in. Don’t be late.”

Alaska didn’t argue, just nodded and watched her leave before relaxing back into the chair and closing her eyes. She woke up again at six, putting her face on in the tiny mirror of her powder compact and making herself presentable. It was probably a good idea to be pretty for the team of the specialist doctors, anyway. They were likely going to tell her the worst, and if she had to be sad, she would at least sort of feel better about herself crying in front of strangers.

She thought about eating some of the chocolates, or looking for something healthy in the cafe, but she didn’t feel hungry when she thought about the meeting, and the news she could possibly receive. She barely had an appetite as it was, and the idea of being told her friend might die definitely didn’t help.

She walked into Trixie on her way to Bianca’s office. Trixie gave her a look.

“You’re not in until twelve,” Trixie said, looking her over carefully. “You’re going to die if you keep going at this rate.”

“I have a meeting with the specialists. They want to see me. You’re starting your shift now, right?” Alaska shrugged.

“Yeah, I just got in,” Trixie said, and then stared up at her for a moment before adding, “Why do they need to talk to you?”

“No clue,” Alaska said, blinking down at her. “Do you want to come?”

“Yeah, okay. Sure,” Trixie nodded, and joined Alaska on the short walk to Bianca’s office. Bianca let them both in, quietly closing the door behind them both. Willam was in the room too, bundled into the corner and looking ridiculously calm in comparison to the past two weeks.

The doctors were actually kind of cute, and they looked too happy for the situation at hand. One had a streak of white in her long black hair, and the other had red hair, and both of the doctors were shorter than Alaska. They both turned to grin at Alaska, and then stare over her.

“I didn’t know Rapunzel worked here, Bianca. You should’ve said, I would’ve worn heels,” The one with the streak in her hair said, and Alaska just blinked at her.

The girl next to her laughed quietly, looking to Trixie and then to Willam and then to Alaska. “So, we have Barbie, Rapunzel and party girl. I like the variation. It’s very diverse here, except for the fact you don’t have any black people here. What’s up with that?”

“Um,” Alaska breathed, glancing to Bianca who just smiled before looking back at them. “I’m Dr Thunder. You wanted to see me?”

“Hi,” The redhead smiled. “I’m Ivy. This is Manila. Jinkx is somewhere here, but she’s already briefing your current team. I’ve been told Courtney Act is your patient?”

“Yes, she is,” Alaska nodded, swallowing and looking down at her. Courtney wasn’t just her patient, but she was her best friend.

“Okay, well, you’ll have to give her acetaminophen to help with the recovery of pneumonia, but the new course of antivirals will definitely definitely help. She’ll have to stay in observation for at least another three days, though, after the virus is gone from her system. There’s a new immunisation shot for all staff, which we’ll be doing at some point today or tomorrow.”

“Wait, what? New antivirals? When… When did this happen?” Alaska raised a brow, pursing her lips into a tight line.

“They didn’t tell you?” Manila piped up, looking relatively surprised. “We found the root of the virus. It’s definitely going to be a problem for the weeks to come, but it’s curable. It’s actually quite interesting, it’s caused by influenza viruses that infect the respiratory tract of pigs, which is similar to something we studied a few years back,” She nodded, looking back to Ivy. “I don’t think party girl fits with Barbie and Rapunzel.”

“Sure it does. Do you have a better name for the look?”

“The virus is gone? You’re - The virus is gone? Everyone is going to get better?” Alaska couldn’t think straight.

“Yes,” Ivy nodded, smiling at her. Alaska could kiss her if she wasn’t too busy thinking about how much sleep she was going to be able to get. “Most people should be able to leave in a few days. You’ll be able to go back to your specific department, and your regular patients.”

“I just don’t think party girl fits. It’s not on the same level. Maybe Cinderella?” Manila nodded.

“Her hair is too tangled to be Cinderella,” Ivy argued, shaking her head before turning her attention back to Alaska. “It was nice to meet you, Dr Thunder. We’re going to be here most of the week, if you need any help or have any questions about the new treatment. Good luck with your patients and everything.”

They opened the door and left, leaving Alaska with the other few doctors and a smile on her face. She could cry with relief, and she was going to by the time she was home, but for now she just smiled, grinning at Trixie.

“You look happy,” Trixie smiled, laughing softly before wrapping herself around Alaska, pulling her in. Alaska hugged her back tight before pulling away, looking down at her.

“Let’s go get breakfast. I’m starving,” She said, gesturing over to Willam as she pulled away.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the word's on the streets and it's on the news / i'm not gonna teach him how to dance with you

For the next week, the hospital continued to be just as busy as before, but in an entirely different way. There was hope in the hallways, and laughter and recovery spilling through the walls. On the fourth day, Courtney was nearly completely better, and Willam put herself back to work. They rearranged Christmas to New Year’s Day, because nobody had bought presents and Willam was demanding a real celebration, and by the fifth day, she was complaining about not being able to go back to work despite Alaska’s strict orders to rest. 

She even managed to see Katya around once or twice, out of the corner of her eye. She was disappointed in how quickly she’d managed to find herself obsessing over Katya again, now that her life was considerably less stressful, but she was glad to have the same teen-like nervousness back. It didn’t matter that Katya had gone back to avoiding her, because it was normal, and she was used to it. She was more than happy to admire from afar.

On New Year’s Eve, before Courtney and Willam dragged her home, she found another box of chocolates in her office along with a whole bouquet of roses. Alaska brought them back with her and shared them out, putting the roses in a vase and leaving them on the coffee table. Willam made Alaska give out her gifts first, and shared a joint with her, telling Courtney she couldn’t have any while she was still recovering. Alaska got Willam something Gucci, and Willam hugged her extra tight, and laughed when she realised Alaska had gotten Courtney a guitar. Courtney spent at least half an hour trying to tune it, giving Alaska a gift card to Victoria’s Secret and a set of jewelry, telling her it was time to find a girlfriend and settle down. Alaska laughed, leaning in to kiss her cheek and proceeding to put the necklace on. 

Courtney got Willam a lot of gifts. Alaska didn’t realise how much she had spent until she saw the receipts in the bottom of the bags, which Courtney had left incase Willam wanted to exchange anything, and the number made her feel just a little ill. She would never get over the fact that Willam had thousands of dollars worth of clothes that she wore maybe once in her life. Willam got Alaska a new phone and a nice black dress from Prada, and Alaska wanted to slap the both of them for spending so much money. No wonder they shared an apartment with her, with their spending habits. 

If she hadn’t been so high, Alaska would’ve probably cried when Willam dropped to one knee and proposed to Courtney in lieu of getting her a material present. Courtney was speechless, nodding and covering her mouth with her hands at the sight of the ring, and she couldn’t stop saying yes. The ring was extravagant and beautiful and it had diamonds, and Courtney was so lucky. Alaska wasn’t jealous at all. 

Alaska made a toast to true love, and Courtney made another to new love, and they managed at least another seven toasts before Willam kicked her out of the room in order to celebrate the new year and the engagement. Alaska would’ve been mad, but they deserved it. If anyone was allowed to have loud sex while Alaska was in the room next to them, it was definitely Willam and Courtney. 

Alaska decided her New Year’s resolution was to find the mystery admirer and thank them. If not anything else, she deserved praise for essentially keeping Alaska alive for the past month or so. She would figure out how to find new love, or at least get a girlfriend, and that would be good enough for Courtney to stop complaining about not being able to go on double dates. She had been vaguely flirting with the specialist doctor with red hair that she had managed to meet in the clinic, Jinkx, but the quickly approaching distance meant that they would only really be able to share phone calls late at night and talk about the world and everything wrong with it. That could count as her new love, probably, and the thought made her smile wider.

Everything was starting to get better. Although the hospital still kept everyone on double shifts, she was comfortably worn out, and she was starting to go back to her usual self. She smiled a lot more, and Alaska thought that after the disastrous end of the year, she might do well to end her thoughts of Katya finally falling in love with her. 

She was happy, falling asleep alone and ignoring the noises from Courtney’s room for once. 

*

As far as Alaska’s good ideas went, she definitely needed Courtney to hold her back sometimes. She managed to ask Jinkx out on a date the day before she was supposed to go back to Seattle, tracking her down in her break and trying to not embarrass herself, making plans to go out to a karaoke bar. 

Alaska knew that Jinkx was a singer. If anything had come from the phone calls at night, Alaska knew that Jinkx wanted to be a famous vocalist as a child, and she had a love of musicals that . As it turned out, Jinkx was an incredible singer, and she was beautiful in the low lights with her white dress and winged eyeliner. By the time they were finally tipsy, it was past midnight, and the bar was finally starting to fill with people. 

Jinkx was actually pretty nice, as far as Alaska’s dating history went. She didn’t smoke, which was different, and she only drank on occasion. She held onto Alaska’s hand extra tight, and when she asked if Alaska wanted to sing with her, Alaska didn’t complain. They ended up singing Total Eclipse of the Heart together, and then Jinkx bought Alaska another drink, and then they were in a booth, making out. 

Alaska pulled herself closer into Jinkx, moving onto her lap and pulling away, smiling at her. “Has anyone ever told you you’re beautiful?” And maybe Jinkx knew she was drunk, but she kissed her again, wrapping her hands tighter around her waist. Alaska was the perfect type of drunk, and Jinkx took her back to her hotel and told her that she wouldn’t sleep with her because she didn’t want Alaska to regret anything, and Alaska wanted to fall in love. 

She woke up the next morning with a hangover that lasted into the day and Jinkx already gone, back to the airport and her home in Seattle, and ignored the fact that her secret admirer had left her painkillers on her desk. It made her feel guilty, in a way that it probably shouldn’t have. There was a moment of realisation on her way home that no matter what, Alaska would never be able to fully get over Katya, and texted Jinkx an apology before turning off her phone and passing out on the couch. She didn’t get any more calls after that.

*

Somewhere between the visit from the specialist team and New Year’s Day, Alaska had picked up the habit of taking naps anywhere she could find, giving her more quality time to sleep now that she didn’t have to hide in her office. It meant that she could spend more time covering shifts in the clinic, and still be awake enough to go home and humour Courtney’s arguments over why Australian food was supposedly better. It was probably the least dignifying thing she could do, but it made her life so much easier, especially when Trixie had suggested taking the nice couch in the staff room that she normally used.

Her secret admirer managed to find her every time, and it was sweet and only slightly creepy, and covered her with the same blanket she did every single time. It was still warm and soft, and it still had the shitty applique. Alaska really should’ve kept it and fixed the stitchwork, but it was normally gone by the time she was awake again, and she still couldn’t figure out who it was. She could’ve sworn she’d felt the person pushing her hair back once, but by the time she had opened her eyes, there was never anyone there.

One afternoon she woke up in the staff room, curled up into the blanket and tucked in tight, to Willam staring at her with raised brows.

“What?” Alaska mumbled, pulling the blanket in closer over herself and sitting up, looking up to her. 

“Girl, are you for real?” Willam laughed. “Does Katya know you stole her blanket? That bitch is always going on about how I’m not allowed to touch her stuff, she’s possessive as fuck over it. I think she must’ve made it herself, she’ll probably throw a fit if she finds out you took it.”

Alaska vaguely thought she must’ve still been asleep, blinking up at her to check she was actually there. “This is Katya’s blanket?”

“Yeah, girl,” Willam raised her brows, “You didn’t know that? Where’d you get it?”

“This- I, no! Are you serious?” Alaska felt like a fucking idiot. If she could pick a single word to describe herself, it was idiot. Katya was Russian. Everything was starting to connect. “This is the blanket that my mystery admirer leaves for me!”

“Oh,” Willam nodded, processing the information as her eyes widened. “Oh.”

“So, I have to go,” Alaska mumbled, pulling herself to her feet and putting the blanket on the side before looking back up at Willam. There was so much they should’ve talked about, made an effort to figure out, but right now she needed to find Katya and scream at her, or something equally as dramatic. 

“Yeah, you… yeah,” Willam nodded, her eyes still wide, and Alaska wished she could figure out exactly where Katya was without having to actually search. She was suddenly feeling particularly uncomfortable, like all of her clothes were too tight and her makeup was wrong and that she might burst into tears because she wasn’t really sure how else to react. If this was a sick practical joke, she was going to tell Trixie and make her kill Katya. She was the only person who could do it, Alaska was pretty sure.

She went back to her office, because it was home ground and it was safe and she needed to get her paperwork and when she opened the door, Katya was stood there. Alaska cleared her throat, and Katya turned to face her, her eyes huge. She looked like a deer in the headlights.

“Hi. What are you doing in my office?” Alaska said carefully, making eye contact. “Did you want something?”

“I was, um, looking for you,” Katya offered.

“Okay… Here I am. What’s up?” 

“Um. I, no - Actually, sorry, I was looking for Willam.” Katya said, her words sounding choked.

“Sure,” Alaska nodded, leaning to the side and ignoring Katya’s sudden attempt to splay out as much as she could to try and block the view of her office. The cup of coffee was on her desk, and there was a very familiar bag on her desk. “Cookies?”

“Yeah - Oh,” Katya swallowed, looking around at everything except Alaska. “Weird, right? I think someone is leaving food or whatever on your desk, it’s weird. Does Bianca know?”

“It was you all along, right?” Alaska raised a brow, closing the door behind her. “So you’re my creepy stalker ‘or whatever,’ right?”

“I wasn’t creepy,” Katya defended herself, moving her hands to play with the bottom of her shirt.

“You scaled the entire hospital looking for me every time I fell asleep,” Alaska pointed out, smiling a little. 

“It wasn’t like- I, um,” Katya swallowed, shaking her head. “It wasn’t meant to be creepy. I don’t - I didn’t mean to be creepy.”

“Do you want to tell me what it was like?” Alaska asked, walking over to her and brushing against her as she took the coffee from her desk, taking a sip from it as Katya watched in shock. 

For a second, Alaska thought Katya was actually going to get up and leave. She was eyeing the doorway, mentally preparing herself to run far away from her and never come back. She turned back to Alaska and looked straight at her, and Alaska blinked, because the look in Katya’s eyes was like defeat. This was the closest Alaska had ever been to Katya, barring the night they had slept together, and it made her stomach turn. 

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Katya finally said.

“You could start with why.”

“I - Alaska, that’s obvious. C’mon, don’t… Don’t make me say it,” Katya frowned, and the sight reminded Alaska very vaguely of Sharon when they had first gotten together. She tried not to dwell on the thought.

“It’s really not that obvious. I didn’t know it was you.”

“But that’s because you’re dumb,” Katya said, almost like it was a reflex. Alaska gasped, and Katya shook her head, grabbing at her free arm and trying not to laugh. “Sorry, fuck, I always - Trixie and me joke like this, sorry. But, um. I don’t think it’s that hard of a concept to grasp why I do it. I like you. That’s it.”

Alaska moved to sit on her desk, not pulling away from Katya’s touch. She couldn’t decide whether she wanted to smack her or kiss her, or both. Her heart was beating fast, either way. “You don’t act like you like me. At all.”

“I’m not good at romance. I don’t - You’re like… How do I put this? You’re always very busy, surrounded by about seven people at any given time, and always smiling like you’re in on the joke. You’re like Jennifer and I’m Needy, right? I’m rough around the edges, and I - fuck, after that night, I wasn’t thinking and I was so embarrassed afterwards, I just -”

“Hold up,” Alaska stopped her, shaking her head. “You’re telling me that you liked me before the night we fucked?”

Katya grabbed her arm a little tighter, almost as if she was shocked by Alaska’s words. “I’ve always liked you.”

Alaska stared at her, blinking in disbelief. “You bitch! Why didn’t you say anything? I’ve been flirting with you for, like, years! I spent like a whole month trying to ask you out once, and you turned me down, Katya. I think you turned me down every single time I tried to invite you out somewhere!” 

“Um… Alaska, I don’t know if you’ve realised this, but you’re like that with everyone,” Katya mumbled, looking down at the floor. “I mean, uh. Trixie said, but I just… You’re like that with everyone. I thought you were like that with everybody, at least?”

“Holy shit,” Alaska said. She wanted to throw the coffee at Katya, but she didn’t, because she was a lady. “You’re an idiot. I am so not like that. Do you think I walk around with half of my shirt unbuttoned for the general public? Because I don’t.”

“I’m an idiot sometimes,” Katya agreed, nodding and letting go of Alaska. “So…?”

“This isn’t over. We - You can’t… I. How do you even know what I drink?” Alaska quirked a brow, readjusting her grip on the cup, “How did you know I was a vegetarian? You never even asked.”

“I pay attention?” Katya offered, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

“You paid attention to that and not the fact I spent the better part of four years trying to date you?”

“I never said I was particularly good at paying attention,” Katya frowned, and Alaska wanted to kick the desk over. She put the cup down, standing up and looking down at her, and Katya raised her hands to defend herself.

“I have to go to the clinic, but this isn’t over. You’re not getting out of this. Seriously, Katya,” Alaska said, trying not to look as angry as she felt. She wasn’t angry at Katya in particular, but the situation made her want to break something. She knew she was every cliche as she walked down the halls, and she wanted to peel her face off with her nails in the lift downstairs.

*

“It was Katya?” Courtney asked, for about the sixteenth time in the past hour.

“Yes,” Alaska returned, for about the sixteenth time. 

“But that’s... It’s just -”

“I know. I don’t get it either,” Alaska said, glaring over at Courtney. She was fiddling with the new engagement ring, and Alaska was only a little jealous. She pushed her hair back and sighed. “I don’t get it at all.”

Courtney shook her head, finally looking up to Alaska before grinning. “So,” she said. “Your lipstick is too good for you to have made out with her. How long did you actually spend with her?”

“We didn’t do anything, you Aussie bitch.”

Courtney gaped. “Wait, for real?” 

“I was mad at her!” Alaska defended herself. “And surprised, but like. I was mad! She called me dumb and then said she liked me. How am I not meant to be mad at that?”

“Well, yeah, but you’ve been in love with Katya for like, ten years. And you just found out that she’s been in love with you for like, twenty, and - did you really not kiss her?” 

“She didn’t say she was in love with me,” Alaska frowned, blushing and shaking her head. “She’s an asshole. What kind of person calls someone dumb when they’re confessing that they’ve been stalking them for like, a month and a half?”

“She’s kind of got reasoning now, though. Like, I get it, y’know?” Courtney said patiently, sitting up and flashing the ring again, as if she was proving her ability to give relationship advice. “If I was her, and I’d been building up the courage to actually try and start something with somebody I’d been head over heels for for the past couple of years, and then I slept with them when I was freaking out? I’d be fucked. When me and Willam got together, I was so anxious all the time, I couldn’t shut up. Luckily, Willam is a force of nature and is confident enough for the both of us, but if she had been just as anxious as me? I don’t even know if we would’ve made it.”

“You act like you’re sixty, Courtney. You’re twenty nine.”

“You’ve liked Kat forever now,” Courtney continued, ignoring Alaska in the process. “And you’ve had a crush on your secret admirer, and it’s Katya, which is like combo points, right? And she’s trying to apologise or whatever, and you were too busy yelling at her to even ask her out? I think you might actually be an idiot too, Alaska. No offence, girl.”

Alaska went quiet. She kind of agreed, no matter how much she didn’t want to.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> walk into the afterglow / stop and let the credits roll

The first thing Alaska did after the conversation with Courtney was find Katya’s office. Katya was busy, probably in the OR with Willam, and Alaska didn’t bother going to check as she let herself in. Katya’s computer was still open, and Alaska shook her head, amazed at the fact Katya hadn’t managed to have her identity stolen yet. She grabbed a sheet of paper from the side, taking a pen and getting to work returning the messages.

‘Hi(eee), asshole (Katya.) This is a note from me, Alaska (I don’t have a middle name, but I’m being open - see how easy it is?) Thunder(fuck) (5000, if you’re nasty,) and it’s not anonymous because I am not an asshole. I like you too, and if you are interested, I am free every night this week (except for thursday and friday because I have double shifts) (which you probably already know about because you seem to know more about my schedule than I do.) In the spirit of being open, ASK ME OUT ON A DATE. Thank you.’ She scribbled down, adding her number and then both Willam and Courtney’s numbers too, because she wasn’t trying to hide anything. 

It was the least anonymous note she had ever written. She was pretty proud of it. She then went home, and made Courtney watch the Golden Girls with her until she stopped stressing out. Courtney made pasta, because neither of them were particularly good at cooking, and drank an entire bottle of wine between them. Alaska was pretty proud of them, and she finally managed to relax. It was what it was, and if Katya decided to ignore her completely obvious note, then nothing would be able to change that. 

The door swung open at ten, and Alaska wasn’t particularly prepared in her ridiculously pink pyjamas and no bra, for Willam and Katya to walk in. Katya looked like she had walked in on something she shouldn’t have seen, but Alaska was only slightly too eager, and Katya visibly relaxed.

“I brought home something for Alaska five-thousand to do while I steal Courtney. Fair trade, right?” Willam smiled, and Alaska would’ve been mad, but Willam was a fucking genius. Even if she could’ve done with a warning beforehand. 

Before Alaska could object, Willam had pulled Courtney up and dragged her away to the bedroom, locking the door behind them and leaving her alone with Katya. Willam was one shady bitch. 

“I promise was going to call you,” Katya said quickly, closing the door behind her before walking over. She looked awkward, like she wasn’t sure if she was allowed to touch anything. Alaska shuffled up on the seat, patting the cushion besides her.

“Yeah?” She smiled, watching Katya walk over and looking up at her. “If I had known you were coming back, I would’ve worn like… Actual clothes.”

“You look good, though. I’m living for the Hello Kitty shorts,” Katya laughed, shaking her head and glancing to the TV. “What are you watching?”

“I don’t know. It was Golden Girls, but then Courtney was bored, so we put on Kitchen Nightmares. I think she has a crush on the chef?”

“Probably. He has the same manly, hairy shoulders Willam does,” Katya deadpanned, and Alaska laughed ridiculously loudly. Once Alaska finished laughing, Katya turned to her and raised a brow. “I was going to ask if you wanted to go on a date. I could pick you up tomorrow at nine?”

“Okay,” Alaska nodded, pursing her lips. “Is there a dress code? Should I wear a jacket, or just a blouse?”

“I… I don’t know? You can wear whatever you want to,” Katya shrugged, very clearly staring at Alaska’s lips. “I personally love when my dates wear their scrubs. I love the nurse fantasy.”

“One time Trixie called me out for that,” Alaska said. “I told her I was going to a costume party with a girl, and she asked what I was going to be, and I said a nurse. And then she was like, oh, you’re a shitty nurse, because a medical professional would know to put clothes on when it’s snowing outside.”

“I can guarantee I’m not going to call you out if you turn up as a slutty nurse,” Katya said seriously. “I should probably go home. I’ve had a very busy day, dealing with Willam talking about fucking Courtney while I try to operate on someone.”

“Yeah, she does that. You should try living with them. It got worse when they got engaged, too. They don’t even try to be secretive about it, they just fuck all the time,” Alaska laughed, shaking her head. “Would you like me to walk you to your car?”

“It’s okay. I don’t want you to get sick before our date. You can take me to the door, if you really want to,” Katya said, and stood up. Alaska got up too, taking Katya’s hand and making the most of the ridiculously short walk to the door.

Katya kissed her as she was about to leave, and Alaska smiled for the rest of the night.

*

Work was weird after, but in the best way. Katya was definitely following her around, but Alaska didn’t let it distract her, and the kiss from the night before kept her going through the long clinic hours and the mass of paperwork she had to fill in between her regular consultations. Courtney and Willam both turned up late, but Alaska didn’t even mind. She even laughed when Katya texted her, something about how her name was almost a matching amount of characters, and replied with a smiley face and a kiss. 

She took off for lunch ten minutes early, and practically ran down to the Starbucks down the road and ordered two hot chocolates. About five minutes later, the door swung open, and Alaska couldn’t help but smile.

“Beat you,” Alaska winked, and Katya looked embarrassed. She shook her head, and it looked like she was actually blushing. Alaska really couldn’t stop staring, even if she wanted to. 

“I was going to get you coffee,” Katya said, defeatedly.

“Oh, I know,” Alaska laughed, handing her the second cup. “I just figured, I owe you at least two months worth of these, and I’d like to get a head start on that. If it’s not too much trouble. Now, do you prefer sushi, or are you more into hot food?”

“I really like the bones of dead animals.”

“Are - Are you serious?”

“Oh my god, no,” Katya laughed, and Alaska laughed too, more out of relief than anything else. “I like sushi. Let’s get sushi.”

“I like bones, but not as food,” Alaska nodded, and lead Katya the entire way to the next shop, buying her regular order twice over and not giving Katya the chance to pay. When Katya went to complain, Alaska just shook her head, smiling wider. “C’mon. If we go to your office, we won’t get Australia’s biggest food thief on our backs for at least ten minutes.”

“Okay. I’m paying for dinner, though. Tonight,” Katya said. She looked a little shocked, but didn’t voice any problems, so Alaska just grinned as they walked back and tried not to come off as too over-eager. She didn’t think Katya would mind if she was eager, but she didn’t want to ruin anything before the first date had even happened.

Katya was still reserved, and Alaska wasn’t really sure why. They had managed to waste four years being reserved and shy already. Even now, being able to see hints of Katya’s personality shine through, Alaska felt so much better. 

“So,” Alaska said, biting her lip as she tried to think about the things in Katya’s office. There wasn’t much in there, other than books about medical practises, so she took a shot in the dark at a conversation topic. “I think American pop music is superior to European pop music.”

“Listen, that’s just unrealistic. Have you heard English pop music? It’s so good, they have so many sad vocalists. And the Russian music scene is so good, and besides -”

They started walking again, and Alaska nodded in understanding with every point Katya brought up. They made it all the way back to Katya’s office without any sign of Katya shutting up, and Alaska liked it, throwing herself onto the nice couch in Katya’s office and nodding and making all the appropriate noises.

It only took Katya another five minutes to realise what Alaska had done, and eyed her suspiciously. “You did that on purpose,” She said, sitting at her desk and getting out her own food.

“I think that Russian gymnasts are nothing compared to Brazil’s gymnasts. Or China’s gymnasts,” Alaska grinned, and Katya burst out laughing, shaking her head and waving her hand in the air as if it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. Katya lifted the little plastic fork she had, pointing it at Alaska accusingly.

“Shut up and eat your lunch, sleeping beauty,” Katya grinned.

They sat and ate in silence, and every time Alaska went to look at Katya, Katya was busy sneaking glances at her too. The second they were both finished, Alaska put the empty dish on the armrest and stretched out, declaring, “Lunch is over.” Katya looked up and smiled, and Alaska didn’t have to wait to take the hint, getting up and walking over and sitting on Katya’s lap, lacking the grace and dignity she wanted to have. 

Katya opened her mouth to say something, wrapping her arms around Alaska to support her, but Alaska leant in enough that their lips brushed against each other and Katya’s mouth closed again. She tried to look up at Alaska, but she went cross-eyed in the process, and Alaska laughed hard, pulling away to properly react.

“What?” Katya pouted, holding her a little tighter when she realised Alaska was about to fall off of her lap, pulling her back in. “Not all of us normal people can be as graceful and beautiful as you, Alaska Thunder-fuck.”

“It’s not two words. It’s one. And it’s a joke, you should know that by now,” Alaska smiled, leaning back in and looking back down at her. It would’ve been more romantic if Alaska wasn’t the same height as a baby giraffe, but Katya wasn’t particularly picky, and she just shook her head.

“Not all of us are stoners, like you,” Alaska laughed again, but this time, she was quieter. She smiled a little more, leaning in, and Katya pulled back. “I have a consultation in ten,” she murmured, and her breath was hot against Alaska’s lips. 

“That’s cool,” Alaska said, and Katya moved a hand up to Alaska’s hair, holding her without making the first move. Alaska wanted her to, but she wasn’t going to ask. After what Courtney had said to her, she knew she had to let Katya move at her own pace, otherwise she would never end up with her at all.

“Cool,” Katya nodded, and Alaska pulled back, getting up off of her lap and nodding. Katya nodded back, watching as Alaska left, her eyes full of desire. Alaska didn’t look back as she walked down the halls, but she could swear that Katya was watching. 

*

“Alaska, girl, she’s seen you in your scrubs after refusing to sleep for like, three days. And she had sex with you, right? She’s seen you in those ugly Hello Kitty pyjamas, the ones which you can see your nipples through. I really don’t think it matters what you wear. Fuck, she probably even saw you after Sharon broke up with you, and if she still likes you after that, then you have a keeper,” Courtney said, splaying out on Alaska’s bed as Alaska ripped through her entire wardrobe in an attempt to find something.

“You don’t get it, it does matter,” Alaska muttered, staring at three different green dresses. All of them were absolutely disgusting, and completely inappropriate for a first date, and Alaska was halfway to a breakdown just looking at them. “It was different back then. I didn’t have a chance back then.”

“Alaska, you should know by now not to let societal expectations dictate and force you into anything you don’t want to wear. It’s misogynistic, and if Katya doesn’t get it, then -” 

“Oh my god, Courtney, no,” Alaska said, shaking her head and throwing the dresses to the floor, and the growing pile of perfectly fine clothes. “Listen, it’s okay if you want to wear the same three hoodies and tennis skirts on your nights out, because you’re engaged. You’re starting to sound like Trixie, going on about how manicures are misogynistic.” 

“Listen, you’re no fun,” Courtney pouted, staring up at her. “What about wearing something Willam has? It might be short on you, but she has some really nice stuff… There’s this one black dress I think would look really great on you?”

“Go get it,” Alaska said, and tried not to pick at her nails whilst Courtney dug it out. It had been worn a total of two times, had a designer label, and made Alaska’s body look extra good. She had ridiculously wide hips, but the dress made it look more like she had a thinner waist, and it definitely helped her feel better about herself. She nodded, looking at Courtney in the mirror and smiled wide. “This is perfect. Thank you, Fairy Oz Mother.”

“Oh my god, stop, Willam was talking about having kids, and I don’t wanna think about it. She can’t even keep a houseplant alive, I don’t know how the fuck she thinks she’ll be able to take care of a real living and breathing baby. I think I’m going to suggest we get a puppy instead,” Courtney nodded thoughtfully, stretching out on the bed. “You should wear the jewelry I got you for Christmas.”

“I’m going to! Is my hair okay? It’s not too flat right?” Alaska said, trying to pull her fingers through the mass of tangled hair and frowning, adding, “Is it overkill if I wear my white fluffy jacket for luck?

“Alaska, it’s never overkill to wear something for luck. You look good in literally anything, too, so,” Courtney said solemnly, so Alaska put it on, and she felt like a filmstar. “Your hair is fine. It’s never flat. Don’t forget to wear lipgloss, though.”

“Fuck,” Alaska mumbled, putting her kitten heels on and grabbing the lipgloss, applying it with a heavy hand and pocketing the tube for later, and then there was knocking on the door and it was five to nine and Alaska nearly fell over twice in her rush to say goodbye to Courtney and pick up her wallet and to answer the door, all in the same ten seconds.

When she did answer the door, Katya was wearing a knitted dress, and her hair was curlier than usual. She wasn’t sure what the fuck a knitted dress was supposed to mean, but she wasn’t about to shoot it down, especially when she looked so gorgeous in it. “You bitch,” Alaska said, opening the door wider.

“What?” Katya raised her brows, licking over her lips as she looked over Alaska. “I’m sorry I’m early. I couldn’t wait any longer.”

“You’re wearing a knitted dress. Am I dressed too formal? I can go get changed, I have normal clothes, ones that don’t make me look like I robbed a Versace store -”

“Alaska, sweetheart, you look beautiful. You’re dressed perfectly. I just like this dress, and Trixie said she would kill me if I wore jeans on our first date,” Katya explained, and Alaska wasn’t particularly convinced. 

“Okay, well… I need to change my jacket, because we’re clashing right now,” Alaska said, and then smiled.

“I don’t really think we clash,” Katya shrugged, following Alaska into the apartment as Alaska ripped off her jacket with some force and threw it to the ground, searching for a new jacket. “If we’re both wearing something with yellow tones, surely that means we match?”

“No, that’s worse. I really can’t - No, okay, this is a lesson for the second date, because fashion and colour-groups is too long for me to explain right now, but you need to know about it,” Alaska explained, settling on a pink jacket and pulling it on. Katya just laughed, shaking her head and leading Alaska out of her apartment, taking her hand and squeezing it as they maneuvered the stairs. Alaska was pretty sure it was already the best date she’d ever managed to have, even if she didn’t really know what was going on.

*

If Alaska had learnt one thing about Katya, it was that she had no idea how to plan a date. It was probably the worst date she had ever been on.

Katya took her to a restaurant where they only spoke Russian. She was completely overdressed, and she really should’ve settled on jeans and a t-shirt. She felt like a dumb bitch from the second she walked in, completely unable to understand anything, and even when Katya ordered for her, Alaska could see people staring at her. The only good part was that Katya got just as many judgemental looks, so they managed to match on that part. The waiter was ridiculously rude, and Alaska couldn’t figure out what he said, but she was pretty sure he was being homophobic.

The food wasn’t awful, but it was cold, and halfway through the meal, their conversation had managed to fizzle out entirely, and they both sat in silence listening to the Russian folk music playing over the speakers. This was definitely the kind of place Alaska never expected to be in, ever. 

Katya must’ve realised how uncomfortable Alaska felt, because she nudged her with her foot under the table and smiled ever so slightly.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Katya asked, and Alaska lifted her head, giving Katya an ever so slightly desperate look of gratitude. Alaska went to pay, but Katya insisted, and Alaska wasn’t about to argue. Once they were back at Katya’s car, Alaska sat and watched Katya smoke, looking miserable. She threw the cigarette to the ground, putting it out with her shoe and looking back to Alaska. “I’m sorry, I thought… I sort of thought it would be really romantic?”

“It’s okay, Katya. It doesn’t matter,” Alaska mumbled, glancing down at her feet. “We can go back to mine and watch movies? And Willam and Courtney will probably be asleep by now, so you don’t have to worry about them.”

“But this was -” Katya paused, pocketing her lighter before staring directly at Alaska. “This was meant to be special. And make up for being like… Kind of creepy and stalkerish?”

“I don’t think you need to worry,” Alaska touched Katya’s kand lightly, looking up at her. “You pretty much saved my life. Even if it was kind of weird.”

Katya looked at her, eyes bright between dark lashes casting shadows against her skin. “I’m glad. You’re too pretty to die young,” she said. “Do you want to come back to mine?”

“Sure,” Alaska nodded, and Katya got back in and then they were driving. 

After the silence had turned from awkward to comfortable, it was nice, Katya driving down empty roads. She had a nice car, with smooth handling and comfortable seats, and Alaska didn’t feel as anxious as she had before. She felt like she was in a movie, with the lights painting Katya’s face the end credits to a story that should’ve ended long ago. Katya was beautiful, and Alaska found herself reaching back over to touch her hand again, just as a reminder that everything was real. It was the happiest she’d been in years.

When Katya pulled the car into a parking lot, Alaska blinked sleep out of her eyes that she hadn’t realised had been there. After the extra shifts she’d been taking on, she’d found herself more exhausted than before, and the shift of light made her sit up straighter. By the time Katya had parked, Alaska was completely awake again, undoing the buckle of the seatbelt and tilting her head to look up at Katya.

Katya had leaned over, her face comfortably close to her. “Hi,” Alaska breathed, and Katya kissed the curve of her cheek, the corner of her mouth, and then her lips. Alaska moved into the kiss, tilting her head and smiling at the ghost of Katya’s fingertips on her jaw. 

“You were falling asleep,” Katya said quietly. “Do you want me to take you home? You don’t have to come in with me.”

Alaska whined, shaking her head and pulling back. She stayed quiet, moving slowly and stretching once she was out of the car, sighing at the comforting click of her back. She followed Katya into the building, realising that she lived in the nice part of New York City, and was only slightly surprised. What surprised her more was the fact that Katya lived alone, and that most of her apartment was filled with Russian tchotchkes.

It looked less lived in than Alaska had expected, with everything clean and in place, but it was beautiful. There were windows filling the wall and showing off the view that Katya paid for, and it felt cold. Part of Alaska was expecting Trixie or Kim to appear from nowhere, or maybe Willam, and tell her this was all a fever dream. It didn’t come, no matter how hard she pinched herself.

“The view is so pretty,” Alaska mumbled, and Katya turned ever so slightly to smile at her, eyes bright. They were already close, and when Alaska leaned in, Katya met her halfway. The kiss was slow and everything Alaska wanted, and then Katya moved in closer and wrapped her hands around her, and Alaska sighed and opened her mouth and tilted her head so that Katya didn’t have to reach up as much.

It was cold in the living space, and Alaska didn’t care, even though there were blankets folded and left on the couch cushions, because she didn’t feel it when Katya was there next to her. It felt like they had finally done something right, as if they had a world of their own in the apartment, and no amount of wrong in the world could change the way Katya was breathing unsteadily against her and all of Alaska’s thoughts were focused on Katya. Katya’s mouth on hers, her fingertips playing with the blonde curls, Katya’s hands moving ever so slightly higher on her body.

Alaska pulled away eventually, glancing back out to the neon city and the life that they couldn’t see in the darkness of the night. “Okay,” she smiled, looking back to Katya. “This is really romantic.”

“Yeah?” Katya said, and nipped at Alaska’s bottom lip, kissing her as if it was the only thing she knew how to do. “We should probably watch a movie. Like you said. Have you ever heard of the movie Contact?”

“No, but I’m down to watch it,” Alaska mumbled, glancing over Katya’s swollen lips and her smudged lipstick and the rise and fall of her chest, biting her own lip. “Go put it on.”

*

Somewhere between Katya putting the movie on and Alaska deciding she didn’t have enough patience, they had managed to make their way back to Katya’s bedroom. Alaska had suggested that they went slow on their way to the bed, and Katya had managed to take it to heart, which Alaska regretted from the second they were naked, because nobody could go slow like Katya Zamolodchikova. If Alaska didn’t know better, she would’ve thought that the idea of being in charge got Katya off. 

Alaska was embarrassed, because in her history of one night stands and dating, nobody had made her as desperate as Katya had. She whined and pushed back against Katya, while Katya licked her open, slow and unfair, holding onto her thigh like her hand was a vice. Alaska threw her head back against the pillow, whining, and said, “Katya, please,” and Katya just pulled away, because apparently sex was a game to her. Once Alaska was pouting, she moved back down, going down on her with a certain determination that Alaska was sure was a new form of torture. 

At one point, Katya laughed, because she was evil and wanted Alaska to die, but everything got better the second that Katya moved to use her hands, pulling up to kiss her again. Alaska thought that this was where she wanted to be, if she had to pick anywhere, and she vaguely wondered if heaven could hear them breathing. Everything she had been taught as a child meant nothing, and it was almost as if she had closure from lying besides Katya, that it wasn’t as big of a deal as everyone had made it before. 

If this was taboo, she was more than happy to share with Katya, and when she moved to return the favour, Katya kissed her like she meant it. 

*

Bianca Del Rio, as it turned out, was actually a lot nicer than Alaska had originally thought. She was still terrified of her, but being in on the joke made it a lot easier to like her, and Katya’s friends slowly became her friends too. It was always uncomfortable when they were caught, though. Bianca stared like she wanted to kill them.

“I thought,” Bianca said, the voice echoing through the office and causing Alaska to pull away, glancing over. “I told you bitches to keep it in your pants. STDs aren’t cute, Alaska. You don’t know where Katya’s been.”

“I think I know where she’s been,” Alaska smirked, giggling when she turned back to see Katya blushing. “What’s up?”

“We’re going out for drinks on Thursday. I’ve been told I can invite you both, on the condition that you don’t make everyone else uncomfortable with your newfound and overbearing love,” Bianca said, staring up at Katya. “I’m sure you’ll see the text if you actually, y’know, look at your phone, dumb bitch.”

Alaska turned to reply, but Bianca was already gone. She was like a terrifying, anti-fun stepmother. Katya had moved back on her desk, swinging her legs a little awkwardly now Alaska had moved from between them. 

“We aren’t that bad, are we?” Alaska asked, moving back and kissing her, completely ignoring what they had just been told and focusing on the comments on their supposed overbearing love. What the fuck did Bianca know about love?

“We’re fine. We are maybe a little bit disgusting, but that’s my gig. I’m 80% sexy, 20% disgusting.”

“I know. I’ve seen your search history,” Alaska deadpanned, and Katya laughed, shaking her head. Katya’s face changed entirely when she laughed, moving from the serious doctor to the med student that hadn’t quite yet been broken by capitalism, and Alaska loved it. Alaska thought that if she had seen Katya actually laugh in the past few months, she would’ve realised immediately, and everything would’ve happened a lot sooner. Katya’s eyes were like mirrors, and they showed everything she was thinking, including how they were entirely focused on Alaska, and hey, Alaska loved that too. 

Alaska moved back to kiss her again, but stopped when she heard the door swing open again, expecting the worst. Instead, she heard Trixie groan, and said, “For god’s sake, do you guys never stop?”

Katya jutted her bottom lip out, looking over at her friend, and moved her hand to balance on the desk. Alaska thought it was sweet that Katya was shorter, even if she knew Katya was annoyed by it. 

“Why do you hate me, Tracey? I don’t know why you won’t let me live my best life, you were the one who kept telling me to just ask her out,” Katya asked sadly, and Trixie rolled her eyes. 

“You guys have to stop. You’re worse than Willam and Courtney, and they’re practically married,” Trixie said, shaking her head. “I don’t even know why you’re so happy. All that’s changed is that you admitted that you both had feelings, and now Katya wears clothes that don’t look like they were bought from the children’s section at Target.”

“That’s some shady shade,” Alaska laughed, before leaning in, kissing Katya again and curling her fingers through the messy strands of hair beside her ear. Behind them, Trixie made a gagging sound, coughing very loudly.

“Katya, surgery. We have surgery in literally like, five minutes,” Trixie groaned, trying not to sound as angry as she was. “Hurry the fuck up or I’m going to set Bianca and Michelle on you. I’m not kidding.”

She didn’t hesitate to slam the door on her way out. Alaska, full of good ideas, pulled away and batted her stacked lashes at Katya. “I know what we can do in five -”

“I have to go,” Katya smiled, and got down from the desk, pushing her hair back out of her face. “If you want to continue that thought in about an hour, I’ll be wandering the halls looking for my sexy nurse girlfriend.”

“I head home in an hour,” Alaska frowned, defeat spreading across her face.

“I know,” Katya said.

“But… Uh, maybe if you call me, I can let you in. I don’t want to wake the Belli-Acts.”

“Lasky, you’re exhausted. You need to go to bed, and I’ll see you tomorrow. We can manage one night apart,” Katya smiled, and Alaska pouted even harder. She hadn’t even been that exhausted, the clinic just annoyed her, and she was probably about to get disgustingly sick with the little amount of free time she had. When she refused to kiss Katya goodbye, Katya sighed, and pursed her lips. “Maybe I could come over tonight. But no sex, because I refuse to be the reason you have to take another nap in the staffroom. Okay?”

“Sounds perfect… I should really just get you a key,” Alaska smiled, and walked off, adding, “See you tonight.”

The rest of her shift was finishing off the last of her work, and then heading home with a sense of accomplishment that she had managed to last the entire day without feeling awful. She tried to help Willam and Courtney cook, but when it went terribly wrong, Alaska ordered takeout and covered the leftovers in case Katya decided she was hungry when she came over. She watched TV, settling on The Method after scrolling through the options of Russian subtitled shows on their cable subscription, and then bed. 

When she was asleep, three hours in, she felt warmth against her and the familiar curves of Katya pressing up against her and mumbling goodnight, kissing just below Alaska’s ear before wrapping her arms around her. Katya held onto Alaska like if she didn’t, then she would disappear, and it made Alaska feel more at home than any lover she had ever had. 

She lay in the dark and drifted back to sleep to the sound of their breathing, ignoring the way her head spun, and thought that this was where she wanted to be.


End file.
